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hi!!! welcome back! just a reminder in case you have not seen my previous blog entry;
TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm, eating disorders, substance abuse, depression, dissociation, suicide.
i will not be using every trigger warning in this entry specifically, but in my overall re-association series, it will include these at some point. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF any of these topics are sensitive for you, or will trigger you. i want to create a safe space to talk about my own recovery, and for people to share their own as well.
today was the first day that i got to try and listen to hoziers songs.
just for some background info about me, and which songs are the hardest for me!
from hardest to easiest:
- wasteland, baby!
- in the woods somewhere
- to be alone
- foreigners god
- work song
- movement
- like real people do
- in a week
- talk
- it will come back
- would that i
- from eden
- jackie and wilson
- someone new
- no plan
- angel of small death and the codeine scene
- cherry wine
- shrike
- as it was
- almost (sweet music)
any other song i didnt mention i either dont have an emotional attachment to, or i have no bad memories attached to them.
today, i tried to keep it light.
i turned on like real people do, which was kind of a mistake because i tried to jump right into it. i believe i either spaced out the entire song (which i expected, seeing as i have so many memories attached to it), or was just having flashbacks.
i think it was both, personally.
like real people do is a hard one for me. that song specifically i listened to when at a few of my most vulnerable points while hiking. a lot of times i attempted to ground myself, by going outside, climbing rocks, getting myself outside and getting exercise. despite the purpose of that exercise.
i do remember everything about the hikes i took with this song playing. im a nature person, and naturally i love looking at the sky. stars are fascinating to me, and staring at clouds gives me a feeling of calmness most times.
watching trees move is a different type of calm, though.
you watch them sway back and forth, going with the wind and seeing where it will take it, and then! it returns back to its normal state. usually unharmed, and better because of it.
during this time it was cold, and many times i had to wear layers in order to stay a decent temperature when outside.
i would take the purple trail where i hike, because it was one of the prettiest to me (besides the green trail). it brought me up the hill, but not too far up and i got to look over at the small animals running around or any creeks that were doing their own thing.
but even along with those beautiful memories of the surrounding nature, there were bad ones too.
like the times i would have to frequently stop on my hikes because i was short of breath. (not just from smoking, which would totally do it because i was smoking almost every day at this point, but also because i was on the verge of passing out). i am the type of person that likes to push myself, and running helps me to do that. its something good that helped me set goals for myself. i would always set pretty high standards and always pushed myself to break even my own expectations. but that always came with a price.
a lot of times, too, i associate this song with harming myself, thinking about my own death, and dissociating.
when im going through a dissociative episode it feels almost as if the only thing that is grounding me is inflicting pain, or thinking about inflicting pain. usually on myself, but yknow how harm ocd can be sometimes.
because i had been listening to this song specifically, i associate it with when i used to hurt myself. its really not a great feeling.
i remember listening to this song a lot on drives by myself and i would completely dissociate during it. i am able to remember slowly not being able to control my body and what i was doing, and it felt like i was floating. almost as if someone had me on strings and was using me as their puppet in some kind of sick joke.
like ive mentioned, i had really bad anxiety during this time. many times the smallest thing could send me into a fit. you could change your tone over text, or not seem enthusiastic enough about wanting to hang out, or not talk to me as much as usual and i took that as a sign that they werent interested in being around me anymore. those things were usually enough to send me into panic mode where i felt the only way out was to hurt myself or cut them off. but i didnt have the heart to do the second one. so, you know where that went.
i didnt heed to my bodys own warnings, mentally or physically and wasnt taking care of myself in either aspect, either.
looking back, i wish i did. but theres nothing i can do about it now. whats done is done.
these fits in particular included me punching trees, "accidentally" falling in the woods, snapping rubber bands on my wrists until there were bruises, punching my steering wheel to the point of it being swollen, and doing other things that were very clearly cries for help. and although people would ask, they would never push me to talk. which was something i needed at the time in order to talk about things. because if you dont push me to talk about it, i wont. but it especially was true back then. and i dont blame anyone for not knowing that. because how could they if i never let them close enough to me to even know that sort of thing.
i used to be a super closed off person and it was impossible to get close to me. it took my best friend pretty much 9 months in order for me to reach out and make an attempt to be close. i just have a very hard time trusting people with my heart.
but i cant blame myself for being that way.
people in the past did not treat me very well.
i think its the main reason why music, especially hoziers, has such a place in my heart. it was There for me when no one else was.
but i digress, that was one of the hardest songs to listen to.
next, was cherry wine.
this song doesnt have anything THAT traumatizing attached to it besides when i was broken up with this song would help me cry. not that i NEEDED it at the time because all i was doing was crying all the time, but on days that i found it hard and that i just needed to let out some tears, this song was there.
then, there was movement.
this song should not have stayed on my radio but it did. and when this song comes on i get sucked in and i feel like i cant turn it off.
i dont remember anything because this one i know for a fact i dissociated pretty bad when i was driving. i had to remind myself that i was okay, and that i wasnt in that place anymore. after this, listening to his music suddenly felt much easier.
i dont remember work song or from eden coming on, but it did. there isnt much to say if my brain blocked out listening to it, i guess.
then finally, before i went into work i listened to jackie and wilson. a very easy song to hear as i dont have many associations to it. besides my ex-friend playing it in the car every once in a while.
and thats it! day 1, complete. i wont be doing this every day as it is emotionally taxing. im going to give myself some time to recover, and rest up.
its possible i forgot some things, so in future entries i may go back over some songs i had already done. but thats ok :)
thank you for sticking around!
Comments
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DIRK.
Hey, I really hope this doesn't come off wrong! I just wanted to say this is insanely inspiring to me. I'm working really hard to recover from a lot of the same things as you, and sometimes it just feels so impossible. but seeing you manage and go out of your way to work towards recovery and a better life? that shits inspiring. you're doing awesome. I know im just some spacehey stranger, but im rooting for you!!
it doesnt come off weird at all! honestly i appreciate it :( thank u sm! i dont know you yet but i know that if you were in the same place as i was,,, well. my dms are open if you want to talk. even if you just want to vent. i know it can be really hard especially if you have nobody there to support you, so please reach out if you need to. hope youre doing okay! :)
by kaden; ; Report