despondency and its variations

The first was after my grandmother's death. Things seemed to have gone downhill from that point. My grades bombed, I was spending money I didn't have, and I was just, overall, doing a shitty job at getting my shit together. I eventually woke up from that, for lack of a better word, state I was in. I didn't realize it all at once. It was a gradual process, a parasite that I had to get out of my system bit by bit and eventually, I was greatly distracted by other things such as my whole family catching COVID. During my time alone, I was able to do my homework and watch the whole Insidious franchise. I cooked, I cleaned, I studied, I slept. I had a routine. Come two weeks later, I would also get that same dreadful virus and again, create a routine for myself. I got it a second time and it was much much worse than the first round but just like before, I created a routine.

At that point I realized that routines were my saving grace. The ability to create them and adapt to them helped a lot. My mental well-being as well as my physical appearance benefitted greatly from it. Even in my first year of college, I was able to do this. Things got easier, less harder, or just a little less unbearable, but still doable.

Tonight, I've come to terms with the fact that my lack of routine due to my break has taken a toll on my mental health. I'm still able to wake up, eat, work out, eat again, and sleep. I've also been reading this on going fan fiction over the past few months and it's been a part of my nightly routine. This is all good. But I don't have a constant anymore. No more taking vitamin C, no more doing homework, no more going out with my aunt every weekend (this was a pre-pandemic routine), no more watching movie franchises until I fall asleep on our couch. It's like my life keeps pausing at the most inopportune moments and it's dizzying. I try to be productive but in the end, I still feel stuck.

As I mentioned, I've experienced two types of hopelessness. One that I know I can get through and one where I'm stuck where I'm standing at random intervals. I plan to handle this more productively. To find something else that I can lean on while school is still out because I for one, do not want to feel like this again. Last year was like a fresh breath of air. This year, the air is stale and I feel like I'm one step away from going crazy and suffocating. I want next year to be different. I want it to be better. I'll die hard trying if have to.