FIR Emotions

this is back from June 2020…….

I cried for the first time today from really hearing a song, so now I am going down a rabbit hole of emotions, and you my fine Facebook friends get to listen to my ramblings.

The feeling music can give a person is such a hard thing to describe, because when it leaves you speechless, invested, questioning, wondering what could top it, it becomes addictive. I'm going to try to describe it. Laugh at me if you want, I'm at the point now I don't care what people think of me. Music is and always has been the forefront of my life, it's in essence me. Yeah everyone likes music, but who in their 30s still lays on the couch with the music that loud you can feel every word vibrate through your body? Who makes time to feel raw emotion like that? To try and understand every aspect of a song, instead of just saying, oh yeah this is a good song. 

I don't know if it's the lyrics, the vocals, the melody, the beat. Just something about an emotionally charged song lures me in. It can unlock a part of myself that I haven't felt before or an emotion I haven't had in a while, and listening to a certain song or band can take ahold of me for days, weeks, months, years. I can chuck on the radio and sing along to anything, I'll dance, really enjoy it, but I am always wondering when I can put back on the songs that make me really feel again. To wake up the numb feelings I have, and have me wanting to feel the emotion of the song again and again.

It started for me with the alluring voice of Jim Morrison and the lyrics and poetry in his music. He wasn't your typical musician. He was dark and you could feel that sadness in his music if you listened hard enough. He was strange, alluring. Then onto bands with a heavier style, like Marilyn Manson. Who was another misunderstood artist, who was brilliant lyrically and could envoke a part of me I didn't know existed. It didn't make me angry, instead it ignited a part of me I never had, which was confidence. That had me searching for more emotions to unlock and lead me to bands like Disturbed, Korn, Slipkot, HIM, AFI, Grinspoon, Escape the Fate.

I lost myself for quite a few years, listening to top 40 mainstream music because I wanted to be accepted, and my heavy dark side started to disappear day by day. Unconsciously pressuring myself into feeling I wasn't enough. Changing who I was so I could feel I belonged. Life can be intense when your lost and the feeling of caring more about what people thought of me than myself, took hold for a long time. It's insane to think that music can have that much of an impact on you that not listening to what makes you feel, can change you into someone you don't even know. I moved back to my hometown 6 years ago, and started to go out to the local metal nights. I would listen to all of these unsigned, talented bands. You could hear in the way they performed, how hungry they were for their music to touch people. To be heard. To be loved. To be appreciated. And more than likely to be signed and make it big. That thirst kind of unlocked something in me, and made me want to feel again. Feel that emotion. I would invest hours listening, studying the music of local bands, using it to fuel myself, slowly unlocking old Jess. 

Alot of people assume heavy music is always just noise and anger. It goes much deeper than that though. Being that raw you can scream how you feel about something can unlock so many things. Especially when you take the time to read lyrics as you listen to things. It brings a whole new dimension, pain, thought pattern. You feel that scream. You feel it all and I think that's what's so addictive about it. It changes you. The thought I could be that emotionally touched by a song I cried today, was an unusual but very bloody welcome feeling. I don't care if you listen to country, rap, folk, metal, whatever. If it can make you feel that deep, then you know you have a winner. Take that song, embrace the beautiful gift that it is, and listen to it until it heals that part of you needing healing, or allow it to make even the best day, amazing.

Music is so powerful. It's everywhere. It's taken for granted. It's unappreciated. I have the biggest admiration for musicians, because music can save a person from themselves. It's a beautiful thing. End dribble. Haha. I would really like to hear your songs that unlock something in you (if it isn't top 40). 

Jess xx

PS - if your interested in the song that made me cry, I'll link it in the comments. Play it loud as you can. Close your eyes. Take in every part of the song. The instruments, the vocals, the ambience it creates. And feel every damn part of it.