re-association diaries Oct. 16, 2021

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm, eating disorders, substance abuse, depression, dissociation, suicide.

for a while now i have been trying to get myself to listen to hozier again.

nothing wrong with him. in fact i still consider him my favorite artist. his music is beautiful, something i can honestly relate to on every level.

the only problem, is that i listened to his music to help me through the hardest time of my life.

he was recommended to me by someone i kind of "admired" (at the time, i dislike him now), and listened to him when i was at the lowest point of my life dealing with my own rapidly declining mental health and intensifying eating disorder. that is all i can associate his music to now.

i frequently went on hikes despite my physical or mental health that day, and i had anxiety so bad i wouldnt make it through the day without more than 1 or 2 panic attacks. and his music helped me escape from it. from the racing thoughts about food, or feeling the need to be exercising, the dissociative episodes, self harm, drinking and drugs, or looking for approval from people who would never give it to me.

his music was just something that helped me hang onto that little part of me that was still left.

the part of me that could relax and not stress myself out,

the part that knew everything would be okay.

but like i said, it reminds me of that time of my life. a time that i would honestly never want to think about again.

but something brings me back to hozier and his music.

its beautiful.

but every time i listen to any of his music, but specifically in a week, or wasteland, baby!, it sends me into a dissociative episode i cant kick. i get flashbacks of all the memories i had listening to each part of the song. and i dont think i've made it through almost any of his songs while being present in the moment since ive recovered.

even thinking about the melodies can throw me off.

my best friend brought up his music the other day and they had mentioned trying to help me re-associate it with good memories rather than the ones i have.

and it made me think. because i forgot that was a thing you can do to your brain.

and although it is something i know they want to help me with,

i know this is something best done alone.

mainly because this will stir up memories that were probably best left untouched,

but also because this will be a difficult path.

so here's to processing trauma, and recovering from things that almost killed you.

because why shouldnt i be able to listen to something that once brought me the only happiness i could find?

the answer is that i should be able to.

ill be writing an update with either every different song and the memories that it stirs up, or just type out my feelings on memories that float to the surface as i try to rework each album.

just know if you do decide to follow me on this journey it will be deep, and i may go into detail about the hardest time in my life. i will be using trigger warnings, and please heed to them if you are sensitive to those topics, or if reading about it will harm you in any way. i would rather create a safe space, rather than a hostile one to share feelings about recovery.

it is important to me that i show this process. not just in the oversharing on the internet type of way, but to show people that recovery is possible. no matter how far deep you think you are. no matter how much you think you wont be able to make it out.

because i did, and you can too.

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