july update

life is boring and i feel optimistic but let-down. this year, this summer, just seems to have gone by really fast. i haven't done anything besides one vacation (where i spent like $300 and never got paid back for!). i'm trying to get my shit together because ive been feeling really down about myself (body image, friends, physical appearance) so i've been working out 3 or 4 times a week. it's honestly nice, all i do is run 2.5 miles (takes like 30 minutes bc i be WALKING at times lol), leg presses (i think that's what they're called), and the bicycle thing for my thighs because bitch if im going to have big legs they might as well be muscular. im trying to get to bed earlier, eat better and more regularly, start a schedule for myself etc. you know. seasonal depression is seriously going to need to fuck off this year so i can enjoy my 21st happily, surrounded by friends and feeling good about myself. my therapist sounded pretty happy for me but yk whatever i be lying to her sometimes about what really gets to me but its... it is what it is lol. 

i recently watched everything everywhere all at once and tbh i resonated with it a lot because when i was really super super depressed when i was younger i thought life was meaningless and i hated the world, myself, my family etc. but after a while when nothing really mattered, suddenly everything did. the flowers, the ants working hard on their colony, babies smiling and my mom and i critiquing outdoor patio set-ups. when everything stops mattering to you, suddenly life seems so much more beautiful and all your fears melt away. so i've been coming to terms with that feeling of happy-helplessness. like the Earth is definitely going to wipe us the fuck out within my lifetime (probably) so i might as well savor every beautiful bite of it while I've got my teeth enclosed in it. 

i start school in like 4 weeks and im lowkey nervy about it because ill be in all-male classes and tbh i hate men. but at least my subjects will be interesting, i'll just have to deal with all the super fun and quirky misogyny! 

on another note, a lot of death is going around in my circle. i know 5 people who have died recently in... just horrible ways. in makes me worry about my parents. 

im turning 21 in 3ish months and i cannot WAIT fuck. i'm lowkey am worried i have an alcohol problem but at the same time idgaf really. I don't smoke oui'd anymore, im honestly tired of nicotine, im just looking inwards a lot more and realizing i don't want to be fucking numb I want to feeeeel something besides monotony. 

anyways that got a little to close to introspection so i'll just end this now.

love you goodnight