brain goo spillage

huh i wonder why i feel this way

then i list reasons why i feel that way 

but then in my head it like, deems the reasons unjustified or smthn?? 

its weird and odd and a cycle that i want to stop but i think i just need to deal with it better

like every time it happens it gets less bad 

because it used to be days where i was like "why do i feel bad?" and then i'd never be able to come up with a reason because i wouldnt like actively think about it 

but now that i actively think about it, its less of an enigma as to why i feel bad 

but its still a cycle and it reminds me of the reasons why i feel so bad and its like "oh okay thats valid" and then i feel bad again 

i think i might need to like either deal with the feelings more??? or it might honestly just be me needing to let the feelings pass because thats kind of how i am i think. 

i like typing things out like this i think!!! it actually does help me a lot and im glad i started doing it more often and have gotten better at it. i like the way it makes me feel and its easy to be like, open especially on here too!! because like idk anyone on here except for one person who i dont really know if they look at this website anymore

if ur here hi coryn ily u are sweet ty for reading this far into my mental scoopage of brain goo

i think i want to start writing again soon i think that would be fun

but i do have things i need to do sometime soon

i dont think i need to do them SOON soon because like right when you turn 18 people tell you that you need to do everything fast but i dont really work that way, and im not sorry about it because thats what helps me the most while i get through life.

im feeling a lot of outside pressure to like. get out of the house as fast as possible. which i feel it inside too because it sucks here and i dont like it here. theres just a lot of conflicting feelings inside and i think i need to figure them out because they make me kind of anxious thinking about them

i dont like the fact that my siblings have been telling me to get out asap but i understand why they tell me to do that. because they dont mean it like, *literally*, they just mean as soon as i can and such.

i dont really LIKE living here but i have to, and i have to deal with my parents because of it, and it does suck a lot. it sucks. it sucks and i can change it

i can change it now

i have power now to change it

i am literally just now realizing that 

and its liberating

i need to write down my goals somewhere irl because knowing what i want to do and knowing i have the power to do it is kind of insane!! it feels so good and nice and i am pretty forgetful so! it would help me a lot

i have power over my life, im not powerless anymore and i can choose what i want to do with it. i dont have to listen to people who want to treat me like a child anymore!! im so excited

i need to write things like this down in real life

i was in the hospital briefly in 2019 and i dont know if i ever actually wrote down my feelings about it. but after i came back from that i really felt like i wanted to go back because my situation at the time felt so awful. it made me so depressed knowing that the hospital felt better than home.

sometimes i feel like i still want to go back and that scares me a bit, but i think i only want to go back because they had me on a daily schedule that was easy for me to follow and it made me happy because i also got to do fun things every day like physically 

i dont have access to many physical fun things irl and i was also around a bunch of other people who were very sweet to me the whole time and it was like. a very odd feeling. i thrive around likeminded people and when i have constant access to fun physical activity, which this seems like something thats like a given for humans but i havent really had access to that too many times both at the same time so its like, exciting

on a separate note what the fuck is with people capitalizing fun physical activity

i think thats super weird 

like i get it for experience type things like trampoline parks and things like that but idk, it seems weird that sometimes you have to pay to get into a pool or lake or to use a facility in specific gyms or rec centers

SPEAKING OF REC CENTERS 

THERE ISNT ONE IN OUR TOWN AND THERE REALLY SHOULD BE BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE FUN THERE SPECIFICALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so so rude that it doesnt exist for me all for me specifically just for me really

but like actually our town doesnt have anything fun for kids to do theres literally a new plaza right next to the high school that they put a smoke shop and 2 law firms in 

like how many law firms and insurance places does my town need i swear 2 god im gonna EXPLODE

BUT OMG that gives me some leverage to look for a town to live in w my girlfriend that like actually has those things omg 

we r gonna have so much fun together when we live together

like

aah

we are gonna go do fun things together and itll just!!! be exciting!!

EEEEE