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I think I’m a phantom of myself.
Not that I believe in the inherently human ideas of ghosts and phantoms, but I think I’m much like a replica. It’s like that mitski song, where the liberty bell isn’t the same that broke. I mean I’m still me. I see my eyes, my face. Behind my eyes, isn’t the same me. I feel like I’ve hurt so many so much that now I’m just wandering. I don’t feel like I have a point and I just surround myself in people, putting on a persona. I hate talking out loud like this, but I have no other outlet anymore. Im surrounded by bodies and I don’t think I know who I am, so why would anyone else know what to do? I just want to be who I’m supposed to be, the question is, who is that? I’m not helping myself.
I wrote a lil thing about it.
Doesn’t rhyme or nothing, just wrote it like this.
I have few regrets but they were all selfish
I never knew how to lie
All that I knew was to hold my breath
And now God looks at me, swiping away messages
And continuing to let me die
I know that I wasn’t meant for this earth
I didn’t need it burned to my memories
Yet her loveliness is dying next to me
Do you know how it feels?
I think I know how it feels.
Im unaware of who I am or what im supposed to be
It was hidden under lock in keep
But I gave up on cracking the code
Or finding the key
Will my angels find me
Or do I have no hours left?
The screen is so bright
I should go to the light
It’s all silly really. Is god in the screen. Who’s your god? Mines everyone else.
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Newfreewill
There's a story about Buddha, and I paraphrase. Once Buddha was traveling from city to city and he stoped under a great tree and began lecturing to all that would listen; at this time he had already gained some notoriety. Among many, there included three children who came to absorb his message. And for three days running, they ditched school to listen to the great master. When the last night commenced, their father came and scolded Buddha for corrupting his son, who should have been at school learning their lessons. He berated him with insults, was in rage, and besides himself. However, after a three long nights of sleeplessness the father went to Buddha and apologized; without missing a beat, Buddha states, "My son, I cannot accept your apology," the man, bewildered asked why not, and Buddha states, "you are not the same man that confronted me three days prior."
Be strong and put your head up.