Rough draft + finished I'm supposed to yell this

Yellow used to be my favorite fucking color, flashing lights were fine, I drank to get by what the fuck happened to me.

"Love is an eptilectic back and forth" the irony is so intense I could go back to assuming I just had a vitamin deficiency.

No one fucking ever noticed no one ever cared and now my dreams have been ripped in from of me.

Dreams of road trips, wisdom teeth, and holding hands out of obligation but want.

Now all that's left waiting for me is a lifetime of government checks and if I'm lucky a stupid dog to take care of me because I can't fucking cross the street.

A loss of vision a loss of control yes I can consent when he's pushing thirty because fuck you know what I remember? 

Different man different time but his walls were yellow and I was countless drinks in and oh my fucking god i cant remember not from truama blocking but from multiple fucking petite mals.

Different time different man again but at least when my brain tries to fucking kill itself and we assume I just need a break he pets my hair.

No I can't work out with you I feel like shit about my body and I don't pass out I fucking have a seizure it's not like you actually give a fuck as long as I can hold your lust long enough until you find another piece of ass.

No captain I haven't gotten a job since I got laid off I have been selling art, I'm trying though I'm trying so fucking hard and your daughter is the only one who I will ever love and i always dreamt of being able to take care of her yet all that it seems is that she is left here with a best friend with more problems then they are worth.

.

Yellow used to be my favorite color, flashing lights were no big deal, and I drank to get by what the fuck happened to me.

A loss of vision, a loss of control, all my dreams scattered across the floor.

Now all that's left is a life time of government checks and if I'm lucky a puppy to help me cross the street.

Thx yeah no I'm not being manipulated, I can consent to yellow bed sheets pushing thirty petting my hair through a partial.

However I just remembered different man different time yellow walls, plenty to drink, unable to remember most of it thanks to petite mals being the best date drug to fucking exist.

Sorry I have to text my mom, Dr said it's genetic sorry I have to fucking strangle my step dad apparently there's such a strong link between bpd and epilepsy they wonder if there's a difference.

Yeah hi captain yes I'm trying to get a job! Any job is better than none! Last job laid me off assuming I was lying and wishing all the Zoloft fucking worked.

 However you know that.

You also know your our daughter is the light of my life and I love her.

 I wanted to become a dentist and I 

I wanted to provide for her so she never has to depend on people who just let her down again and fuck I'm spiralling again but no nette not in the normal way.

I just need a moment I know my speech is jumbled don't worry I'm fine it's just a long term side effect.

No it's ok I just need a moment, I keep pretending that if I just calm down they will stop. Maybe if I eat enough salmon I will be okay again and dentistry will be a possibility. Just please don't leave me.

 Please it's so scary here in the darkness.

I can't control my body and my eyes feel like jello.

Please I want to remember our little moments but they get stolen away from me. Please don't fuss I'm used to the pain I'm used to the fear but now it has a name.

epilepsy.  I fucking hate it.