𝓱ₒ𝐩ₑᄂₑ𝘴𝘴 ₐ𝚗𝚍 𝓱ₑₐᵣ𝚝𝚋ᵣₒ𝓴ₑ𝚗

hey hoes, has anyone ever felt hopeless? DUH, obiv everyone has, but i'm talking about a deeper level of hopelessness. the kind that swallows you whole, creeps into your dreams, and invades your whole way of life. some call it depression, i call it a bitch. sometime i feel like a basic ass bitch, that can't do shit. i'll sit in my room telling myself to get up and do something, but it's like my body is glued to the ground. at the same time i feel weirdly obsessed with myself, like i know i'm the baddest bitch. like i could stare at myself in the mirror for hours, does that make sense? or do i just sound fucking crazy? like i am my biggest supporter, and my worst enemy. anywhore, the other day i fuckedddd up. i meet up with my ex.... don't yell at me. i showed him my new apartment, and he ended up sleeping over. we were about to have sex and i start CRYING. yep, you heard me, FUCKING CRYING. idk why, like i wanted to have sex with him. i might have been scared, or maybe deep down i knew it was wrong. i miss him though, and it was nice to know that he still cares about me. i want him in my life, but i worried that i'll end up even worse than before. idk what to do, honestly i'll probably end up fucking him, but i am worried what that will do to me mentally, ya know. plus, i don't want to start crying again cause that's fucking lame and embarrassing, and i'm in ugly crier so it is just making me look worse. have you ever been in love with someone but it's never the right time? it seems like it was meant to end from the start, but i want to keep trying. it's like re-watching a movie you've seen a million times. you know it how it ends, but you still hope it will turn out different. he stole my boxers, so we are gonna have to meet up again, plus i plan on leaving the country in a few months so it's not like we can date again. i really hope that if we don't work out in this lifetime we'll work out in the next, cause i truly do love him. ew, why do i have to be like that, an emotional little shit. i guess that's all i have to say, sorry for the word vomit. hope you bitches slay xoxo, alyssa