switches and shelves

I've spoken about aunt2 so often in my blogs that when I recall an incident where she hurt me, I immediately need to write it down for the sake of my mental well-being. But this time, it's a bit different. Because the usual resentment I have when I write about her is replaced by this undying guilt or more accurately, paired up with it.

Aunt2 and I had a pretty safe start. She had some flaws in her parenting but she had my aunt and aunt's twin to guide her through it. But as I grew, it became more apparent and unbearable. I don't even know what's worse: her utter lack of parenting skills or constant need to control everything around her. I remember the latter becoming obvious to me as a child. She would ask me to try out these new foods she's introducing me to and most of the time I did try them and all the time, they were good. But there were times that I just wasn't hungry or in the mood to eat, so of course, there were times I declined. Aunt2 would react so viscerally, acting like I dishonored her just by rejecting the food she was offering, that I remember tears streaming down my face as I chew so she would stop yelling at me. It didn't even matter to her if it was in public or private, so there was an added layer of humiliation every time. But eventually, I got tired and started putting my foot down. When she would make these faces that indicated an angry reaction, I would immediately switch to a calm demeanor and repeat what I had just said whilst looking her straight in the eyes. "It's alright, I'm not hungry", "I'm full", "I'll try it next time", all of which are sane and valid responses to being offered food, right? I don't do this to disrespect her, so I decline as nicely as possible because I know she's just excited about having me to try out new things. She, unfortunately, never understood this.

This was just one of the many encounters that I had with her controlling behavior. But despite everything that I've been through– that she's put me through, I still feel guilty. I feel guilty that I can't feel happy for her anymore, I feel guilty that I can't stand to be around her anymore, I feel guilty that I always have this need to avoid her every chance I get, I feel guilty, I feel guilty, I feel guilty, I feel guilty. I regret reacting so viscerally towards her that sometimes it's me who's out of line. I regret raising my voice at her for not knowing how to use canva. I regret ignoring her when she tries to join or start conversations with me. I regret and feel guilty over so many things and yet I know she deserves this. I sometimes feel she doesn't respect me at all so why should I care?

Why exactly?

Sometimes I wish things like this have a switch. One for this feeling of complete and total resentment towards her, and the undeniable guilt and regret that comes after when I act on that resentment. There'll be times I'll leave one switch on and the other off or vice versa, or just leave them both on or off when I feel like it. Just some way to stop everything so I could safely put these feelings on a shelf and just go about my days ignoring them, then only come back when I'm finally ready to carry them again.