GETTING OUT OF SOMETHING TOXIC

Recently I just got out of very bad and toxic relationship with my ex boyfriend. That relationship had gone on for a little over a year and during that time I had become anti-social, I was choosing him and the things HE wanted over what I wanted and I even stated to choose him over my friends and my favorite activities and hobbies. Not only did I become shut off from the world, and true self, I had also gotten into a position where my relationship with my parents had become very poor as well as my grades, especially nearing the end of the relationship. There had even been multiple occasions where I had caught him in a lie or he'd tell me a lie about where he was and Id hear someone in the background who I knew wasn't supposed to be there, and calling him out on those lies had resulted in him calling me crazy and even a bitch for getting angry with him. 

At the time I even knew I shouldn't have been with him but I already had been with him so long and he knew me better then anyone in my life, or so I thought. He knew the girl he had transformed me into, he knew the quieter suppressed girl who just shut her mouth the second he told her to because she was showing it as a sign of love and wanting him to feel better, but loving someone shouldn't mean that you feel better when they're not talking or speaking there mind. He knew the girl who put her needs second and even when she knew it was wrong and she knew it felt wrong but still continued. there was times she even got the courage to end things with him but ultimately let him back in because in her head she thought was they had was true love but in all reality it was really just attachment. What he didn't know was that I wasn't really that girl. I was strong and despite shoving my self respect aside for so long there had still been a little glimpse left, there was still a gut feeling I had that told me I needed to be rid of this relationship and I needed to stop putting myself through an endless cycle of being disappointed in the relationship and in myself for letting him back in repetitively. Humans naturally have a instinct for what's right and wrong, and if you don't then just look at ur social media, everywhere there are signs and tiktoks and posts about toxic behavior or ''red flags" that should signal you to get yourself out of that situation, but its also very possible that you're like me and you decided to ignore these signs and you pass it off as "we've already been through so much together and this is just how we work" no. it is not just how you work. that is the toxicity and attachment talking and trust me. your gut is a whole lot smarter then your heart and even your head. don't follow your head, dont follow your heart. follow your gut and your instincts. 

it might seem scary to go on without someone because your thought you would be with someone forever, or you just can't picture your future without them, but again as humans we are wired to not grow, we're wired to want to keep ourselves protected and safe and growth means that your are learning and you don't already know how to protect yourself so as a natural reaction we feel fear we feel it as a way to keep ourselves from growing and feeling vulnerable, but if you dont let the fear in and you dont let yourself grow your never going succeed. you need to take fear not as a sign to stop yourself but as one that means your taking on a new path from growth and learning. fear isn't a feeling, its a sign and you should take it as one. 

I hope whoever finds this, internalizes it and finds the self taking every opportunity they're given despite fearing every second of it. Even if you do let fear control you, remember that its okay and try again. stand by yourself as you would for your best friend, your family, or even your pets. treat yourself as if your the one you love most in this entire world. I hope you do, love yourself more then anyone in this entire world. Now good luck and I hope this message can sway, convince, empower or even just enlighten you into taking the best steps for yourself to grow. 

 

   - Peytonavari