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Category: Life

what a drastic change

so to start with, i have been through more in the past year or two than in the whole decade leading up to it. life has been a fever dream consisting of family drama, moving houses, gender dissonance, and existential dread.

this week it reached a breaking point. i think a version of me died. the survivor is what's currently typing this.

from that intro you would think that i am deeply sad about everything, but in fact i think i found a certain power in my collision with the earth: the power to let go and let the present pass over me and through me. 

after a long conversation with my mother on a stormy evening, i began to realize the error of my ways. before that night i believed i was a trans girl, and was slowly railroading my life towards transition. but then mom opened my eyes to the reality that i am fluid - both and neither, everything and nothing. what i was doing up to that point was restricting myself, going from one form that i didn't fit to another form that i didn't fit.

when the call was done and i drove home, the clouds began to part, and the sky shone a brilliant gold. i will never forget looking through tears to the sunlit cloudscape in front of me as the rain still pattered on my windshield - in that moment i felt i had seen the face of god. and from that moment i vowed to become unbound, an avatar for the infinite concepts churning in my mind, as free and undefined as the wind.

so, even though i have to move out, even though i have become estranged from my family, even though my very sense of self has once again come crashing down... there is still so much to be grateful for.

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