⨂ Lenny ⨂'s profile picture

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Category: Life

I Know I Need Therapy But I'm Scared Of Having To Go Back To A Mental Hospital

I know I like women. I've been attracted to women in the past. But whenever I try to reach out to someone and talk to her and flirt with her and feel butterflies and be held by her, I can't help but feel shitty. Shitty as in "fuck it I'm about to relapse" shitty. There's no way it should've gotten this bad. But I can't help but remember one previous therapist I had. Her office was just a front for a church right next door. And when I told her about my problems she just threw me into an institute for the therapy she was supposed to give ME. Thankfully, the doctors could see that I wasn't the threat to others she feared I was. But sometimes I wonder if she was right. Not about the threat to others bit--God no. I'm a threat to myself. Believe me, I haven't an ounce of killer instinct in me. But anyways, after I forgot to take my prescribed pills for 2 weeks and had really bad withdrawal symptoms for 2 days straight, things kind of felt different. Maybe I just need to wait until the pills fully balance my brain. Things can get really bad when I don't take my pills. I can't think rationally. I pick fights. Right now I just wish that I could reach out to myself from another life. A life where she's a normal, mentally sound, neurotypical girl. I want to remind her how bad things could've been. But maybe I need another version of me to tell me that. One that had it worse.

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