7.12.22 (っ・ω・）っ≡≡≡≡≡≡☆

Long time to blog, me! |･ω･｀)

Every now and then the thought of how much I'd love to build and/or be part of a forum board like the ones that use to exist comes to mind. Maybe a board about nothing too in particular, but with like-minded individuals. Just to meet with a bunch of strangers with no faces, and maybe one day, as we all slowly get to know one another we'll grow to become faceless strangers with a sense of familiarity and comfort. I'll get excited to see someone online so we can pick up where we last left off or start a new topic. Somewhere no one knows me or my skills, but may still cares despite that. A comforting feeling shared in secrecy with strangers-not-so-strangers.
Actually, writing here give's me a similar sense of that feeling I'm after, but it's just me talking to myself in the end.

Speaking of, the past month or so I keep thinking of how much I'd like to learn to enjoy my own company and do things on my own. I mean, I am usually on my own yeah but not in the way I'm talking about. It feels so impossible sometimes. I tend to rely on the thought of doing fun things together with others one day but in truth, none of it ever happens and none of it probably ever will happen. That is absolutely no ones fault and I don't put blame or feel resentment or anything at all towards anyone, I love the people I have in my life and appreciate the things we do together. But in the end, only I synchronize with myself and my idealistic fantasies. I think what I consider to be fun is considered too weird sometimes to others or just not all too interesting to do. I can feel when a hearts just not into it, and that's okay. Even when I do peak someone's interest, I'm much too quiet and a weird sort of introverted so things tend to get awkward in the end. And for some reason, I get random bursts of discomfort and feelings of being out of place inside of me when I'm together with others. I want to enjoy things even if that means it has to be in my own company, but its scary doing things alone.    

It's unfair to hold little dreams like that on others. 

The other day, I drove by a bunch of huge old houses. They were so pretty, and the neighborhoods were so clean and well-kept. It looked like how they look in movies, like the ones with kids trick-or-treating and riding bikes. I imagined how it'd be to live there "it must be fun, it looks peaceful", but every house had red white and blue proudly waving in the wind and I quickly realized even in such a peaceful clean looking environment, someone like me probably wouldn't be accepted there. People that look like me and love like me would disturb the peace of those people living in the happy little neighborhood stuck in time. Still, for the moment it was a nice daydream to have. 🌼


I've been having a really(really) bad depressive episode, last month was the worst of it, and I'm still far from shore. I've written a farewell in the past, but the one I wrote this time felt a little too real. I think I know I'd never do it, I won't ever cause that hurt to others, but I wanted it there just in case. I think my cat knew, he wouldn't leave my side at all. It made me feel a little less lonely. 

Something happened to my mind and I don't know how to fix it

I feel nausea whenever I speak to others now and a need to delete things, I've been trying to return back to where I was but it feels wrong. 

there's long pauses and stutter in my verbal speech now, I've been forgetting things 

I haven't been a great friend lately, I want to be there for others more but I'm so sick at the moment by the time I process a thought it's days later. I hope everyone knows I love them though because I do. I just want everyone to be okay and to find moment's of happiness that will keep them going. Like the big old houses on the tree-shaded street. 

I think I just want to hug myself. I am holding on (*-ｪ-(-ｪ-*)o