There isn't much that makes me feel alive anymore. (///_-)
I'm Back, Bitches! (she said to no one)
But getting back into tumblr has been so rejuvenating. Even though it's pretty dead, like malls.
And now I'm coming back to spacehey a year after making my account, because...well...I miss all the old shit so much! And I have a few small spoons today.
I miss stupid shit like blogging and pimping out my background and picking songs for my playlist. I miss being a kid with only homework and dinner to worry about. Well, mainly just dinner since I never did my homework. 'S why I'm so fat. XD
All I did was listen to music and read books and go to the mall and go to the roller rink and have 3-way calls on my flip phone and walk around town with my friends, usually to the movies and usually with a book in my bag and my Walkman in my pocket.
I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere. I miss feeling like I had friends and that life was fun. Even as an anxious child and an angsty teenager, I knew that it was better then than it would get again, and I knew that I was wasting the best times of my life.
I'm 33 now, and I cry sometimes when I realize that it's all behind me. Most of the kids I grew up with are out of my life. Being adults. Or being dead, in some cases. We don't have time for this anymore. We have jobs and kids and bills, and we can't just sit on here and waste the hours documenting our lives and chatting with friends. Hell, now, we've gotten comfortable in our introversion and we just don't talk to each other anymore.
Although...let me amend that real quick. We still do document our lives, but...idk. It doesn't feel as fun and exciting. More like a competition. You know?
I don't make new friends very easily. Who the hell can I talk to? Everything is about networking and tweeting and ads, and it's like...that isn't the world I'm comfortable in. It never was, and it gets worse each passing year. But I don't have a choice. And it scares me. Because I try so hard to be an adult, but I fail and fail and fail.
I miss having sleepovers. I miss staying up late watching stupid shit on tv, getting up early and watching the sun rise, walking to McDonald's for breakfast or having one of the adults drive our whole group to Old Country Buffet. I miss...
I could go on and on for hours, talking about all the specific little things that I miss. And I know I will do this, later. Maybe in one big entry, maybe in a million smaller ones. Who knows.
I guess my point is that I feel so incredibly alone, I feel stuck in the past, and I feel like I'll never be happy again, and nothing will ever be simple again.
It's nice to come here and blog like I'm 14 again. Just writing about my silly little life and all the stupid things that happen in it.
I try to kind of...forget about the world of 2022. Just for a little. Just until I have to remember.
I've seen memes about having "an unhealthy relationship with the passage of time" or something. And for me it's so so true, and has always been true. Even as a little girl, I had some kind of weird obsession with the past. I was never really truly in the present. Was I dissociating all that time??
Therapy and meds will help me, I know. I just have to overcome the anxiety and whatever else is keeping me from making and keeping appointments.
For today, I'm going to blog my little heart out, and I'm going to reblog the shit outta tumblr, and I'm gonna stay up late because I ain't got shit to do tomorrow, and I'm gonna snack 'til I feel sick. And I'm gonna chat with my internet friends (it's just the one friend actually) like it's 2003. Because I fucking can.