Buckling Down - Commitment and Flexibility

I always intended to make this my main diary/personal blog site and have personal sites for reviews and other less personal stuff. A lot has happened this year and I've changed quite a bit. I still want to use spacehey for my previous intentions and plan to start doing so now. I might also start doing so on others sites as well, but I want to revamp my css so it's, yknow, readable and start posting my thoughts instead of just like, thinking about doing it.

Why am I posting about this instead of just starting? Well this is the start! I've never been one for public accountability; it always makes me just want to hide. Plus no one else's opinion of me can pressure me more than my own opinion of me anyway, so accountability posts have never done much for me. But I do get scared ab putting my thoughts and opinions out there. 

I don't have like, hella followers/friends on here, but it is a site where I have socialized before (sorry to the handful of ppl I disappeared on - I promise I was just too miserable to talk to anyone and now I feel too bad to message you! But I will at some point so if you read this, I might just not have worked up the courage to reach out to you again....) so I feel it's a good middle ground with a small enough reach, but isn't going out to literally the void. 

I do want to interact and comment on other people's posts and stuff too. I wish the blog entries worked a bit more like blurbs w/o ppl having to specifically subscribe to your blog feed. Like I want them to stay up permanently, but also notify ppl of my posts just in case the title grabs them. Not that I'm great at titling things, idk. I dunno I dunno...

Anyway, instead of waiting for me to finish the css, I'm just gonna start posting blogs. There's been so much I've wanted to write about that I've forgotten about the past several months. So no more! When I think it, it's going up! Will I regret it? Yea, maybe sometimes! Will I make a promise to commit to this all the time? Hell no! I have commitment issues, buddy, and that might never change! But I wanna start here, so here I shall start.

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Also I have COVID right now and it's delaying me starting my job that finally set up a client base for me, after not hearing from them for two weeks after my certification/training. And now I have COVID. I'm not overtly observant of the spiritual/supernatural with any sort of consistency, but I do wonder how people tell apart signs from trials. Like how could you tell that this is either a sign I shouldn't take this job, or a trial testing me to see how badly I want this job and am willing to work for it instead of running away from uncomfortability/inconvenience? I have little sense of that, especially nowadays. I usually just follow the path of least resistance in a case like this, and since my scheduler doesn't seem too upset + the supervisors aren't communicating anyway, then it might not have mattered if I had COVID or not. 

Regardless, I wonder if I should start doing the opposite of what makes me feel comfortable? Bc I don't really have much to show to my decisions thus far, to be completely honest. Maybe I should do like George did in that one episode of Seinfeld, where he does the opposite of his gut instinct, and it works out way better for him. I dunno. 

I do know that recently I've promised to commit to one thing. I promised myself that I'd see this life out through its natural end. Even if I hit rock bottom, there are ways to look up and try to get something better. Most of my issues that plague me now have to do with my mindset - one of the hardest things for me to get out of. I think that's true for a lot of people, and at the risk of sounding like a '100 emoji, grind never stops, hustle culture' kinda person, the mindset you put out there affects the world around you more than almost anything else.

It is also the most difficult thing to change, especially if you've lived a life of trials that were completely out of your control. It's so easy to fall into a headspace where your reality is that everyone and everything wants to be cruel to you by default, when that is all that reality has shown you. I truly do envy people that are able to rise above that thinking early in life and transform the trials life has given them into boons that have strengthened them. I don't wanna make this the yotta pity party, but that's what I've been doing for the past five years. I've stopped talking to people bc all I can do is listen to what they have to say bc sharing anything about my life is just depressing - even if it's not depressing to listen to, it's depressing to talk about. I haven't been able to recover properly from a series of events starting from 2013 to 2020 (and then COVID happened so. yknow.) and any attempts I've made to heal since then... I now realize have pushed me farther down that hole. 

There is no more talking or analyzing the issue that can be done (I'll still post ab it since I haven't talked ab it here - just to talk ab my thought processes and past n whatnot) that will help push me forward. I need to be a doer again. I need to commit, but also be flexible in how I go about it. I have a sort-of game plan, since making plans, and backup plans, has been my downfall. This little step, just posting on a little nostalgia site where I haven't talked to anyone in months, is a huge first step in this loose, somewhat vague set of goals and aspirations. 

I will say, the biggest failed attempt I made to heal did actually come with a really important realization. I changed my mindset to want to a specific kind of person that thinks and acts and feels a specific way - and I went and did it. I didn't realize it was definitely WORSE for me and made be take several steps backwards, but as I've said, changing your mindset and, effectively, your reality is really hard. But if you can do it, then you've got a whole new world to look at. I'd like my reality to be one where I'm permitted to happy.

Wish me luck and keep in touch!

- yotta