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Lately I've been feeling so awful. My depression was not this bad since last year when it first started, back then i wasn't so heavily relied on other people and s/h for me to like, thrive. I've always felt like I needed to have someone to feel like I matter or i'm important, and since I continuously do things to drive others away, I start to rely on harming myself to make myself feel less stressed. It makes no sense I would already be stressed since I now have to hide this from people, but it was a quick rough decision I made and regret as soon as I did it. [continued]
Monday, 10/18/21, 11:50AM
Today is quite an odd day. Last night at about 12AM I talked with some- people on discord about an obsession I had and why it was very very bad. Necessarily I don't want to give up that obsession because it makes me very happy, even if it makes me crazy. but we also talked about other things on why I am a relatively bad person. Obviously I can't really face these things and work on them on my own, but I don't think it would be appropriate to talk about these things with my therapist, mainly because i'm scared to. I'm at the point where If I am too mentally unstable i will get sent to a mental hospital. I really do not want to go there. And then after that i kinda figured out- that I made things so bad I pretty much made most of the server not like me, oops.
But besides that, I just wanted to forget about it as quickly as possible. I dont like looking back at my actions. It's been that way for a bit to where it's becoming a force of habit. This obsession I have may not be healthy, but it makes me happy, and thats all I really care about, but i dont want to lose anymore friends, so i'm just deciding to keep my mouth shut about certain interest I have, maybe people will start to like me again. Then this morning on my way to school, my mom got mad at me because i couldn't take any of my food plates downstairs when I was done with them, I just get too comfortable haha, no but srsly I do not have the motivaton to. But yeah, mom got mad at me for that. Then in the car she decides to trauma-compare. There was a lot that happened to me that my mom doesn't know about that made me the way I am now, really. But ofc she doesnt know. so she just thinks im doing it for attention and im just spoiled. eugh. I was just tired and ready to go back to bed at that point , but then I got int school and everything was pretty much felt better after that since I still heave amazing friends at school. :)
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