planning for the future (very spooky, extremely scary)

unbelievably, i actually decided to make the effort to apply for art school, which i've been meaning to do for a couple of years now. what's even dumber is, it's not a fancy, "proper" art school. it's open for anyone, regardless of education or skills. if they have room, & you can pay, you can get it. yet, i've been so riddled with fear over it, i've not been able to bring myself to apply before. it's so incredibly ridiculous how much i've actually managed to sabotage my own life over the years, whether out of sheer insecurity or just general anxiety & fear about all that could go wrong. but alas, i did the unthinkable, & sent in an application for the fall term. it's not much, but at least i've done something, which is still better than never doing anything at all. strange to think about how much anxiety i always manage to work up over absolutely nothing, it's so frustrating. i'm already worrying about whether i get in or not, or whether i'll fit in or not. i'm going to art school to learn, & i'm worried that i'll be terrible & all the teachers will hate me. even i know it's dumb, but it's so hard to stop it, & accept that you can't only do things you're good at. you have to be absolutely, laughably awful, before you can be ever semi-decent.

so yeah, hopefully i get in, if not, guess i'll have to figure out something else to do. maybe just work the autumn, then apply again for the spring. did think about becoming an au pair as well, or seeing if there's any options in ireland or something like that. fingers crossed for getting in though, would be nice to feel as though i'm doing at least something with my life, instead of just wasting away in my room, contributing nothing & letting my life pass before my eyes.

i know there's not really much of a point in writing about my life on here, but it's sort of comforting in a way. there's not really anyone i feel comfortable sharing my emotions with, so doing it online, fairly anonymously, is kind of nice. and maybe someone else enjoys reading about it, or relates to my incessant whining & lamenting (if you do, sorry your life sucks, but at least you're not the only miserable person in the world)

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