Something Witty Here

I'm actually not entirely sure where to post this, so I choose blogging for right now. If someone can enlighten me and tell me otherwise, I would greatly appreciate it.

So in my two previous entries, I've introduced myself and given a little more information. But for this post, I want to cover something that's been bothering me for almost an entire year now.

As previously mentioned, I am Dreamer. I'm 28 and living in Arizona. As of March 5th of this year, I found it I was adopted.

How I found out and how long it's been kept from me is really the part that messes me the fuck up. You see, my entire life I have been raised being told I am the youngest of 4, all girls, and the aunt to two nephews and a niece. That my "Mother" was 41 when she had me, that I was a high risk pregnancy. A whole lot of bullshit I was fed for 24 of my 28 years of existing and I am just now finding out how much of a fucked up lie that was.

It turns out the woman I was told and constantly reminded of to be my "oldest" sister, is actually my biological Mother. Which means her son, who I previously believed was my nephew is actually my half-brother. How I found this out? Well, the one who I was told over and over is my niece, is actually my cousin because their Mother is actually my Aunt and not my sister.

My entire life has been an absolute lie, and there's reasons I'm still coming to terms with for me thinking like this. A lot of them, actually. My parents always treated me very... oddly, even to other parents and various friends in my life. Things just never added up, it was like doing 2+2 and getting fish.

Not to mention things my "Mother" would hiss at me when she was angry or whatever she wanted to call it with me. Like my all time favorite; "Your [name redacted] didn't want you. She never wanted you." Meaning my actual Mom.

I don't know the reason for hissing that at me when I was trying to separate myself from an incredibly toxic situation was warranted, but hey, it keeps me in line, right? No, it actually made me desperate to get away and get answers no one would fucking tell me. Nope.

Whatever agreement had been made about my adoption with my Mother and Maternal Grandparents, she was forbidden from ever speaking of it to me. Of ever telling me. In fact, when I revealed to her that I knew, one of the things she said to me was, "I actually thought you knew, that they would have told you years ago." Which was something my cousin also said to me.

In some ways, I have realized I was told, but it was how I was told and when prodding further to understand why such horrible things were being said to me, lies would start or I would get the cold shoulder. There's just a lot hanging in the air that I don't know and my Mother refuses to talk about. Why, I'm not sure. If it's to protect me or something private between her and my Grandparents, well, that's fine. I guess. Unfortunately it does leave me wondering what the fuck is going on, but not much I can do about it.

As of writing this post, I haven't contacted my Grandparents since finding out they're that. I'm not sure when or if I will any time soon. One thing I am 100% sure of, when I do, Hell will rain down around me for the next... who the fuck knows how long because of it. Not like I have a right to know.

3 things I am absolutely sure of;

- My Mother has assured me she wanted me and loves me every much.

- My Grandparents are dirty fucking liars.

- I am entirely heartbroken, angry and confused about everything.

To a loose credit of my Grandparents, they did love and raise me; Got me tested and educated to the best of my abilities. There are, however, some incredibly shady spots in my background with them that are... well, let's just say deeply fucked me up and things said you should NEVER say to someone, let alone a child.

I was not molested, if you're wondering. That's one thing I never experienced and I'm thankful for. Though my Grandfather did get accused of it because he and I were "unnaturally close" according to a teacher at school because I would talk about him and all the cool adventures we would go on when I was a kid. What did doesn't talk about their "Dad's" like they're the coolest person ever?

There's just a lot to unpack and unload there. A lot I've been coming to terms with. Not alone, thankfully. I have my wonderful partner, a community of friends and my new found parentage with my Mom, and Step-Dad.

For anyone wondering, I do know who my Father is and I haven't decided to contact him as of yet. It's another thing I'm not sure about doing yet. That opens more cans of worms than I think I'm ready for, currently.

I've just... never felt this... I don't even know what. This feeling, this feeling I've been struggling with... I've never felt this way before. Even at my lowest, darkest depressed point. Even at my angriest.

Seeking help is on the agenda, I just have to be brave enough to do it. Even I know I need it, because I can't keep unloading on the same people and clamping down the need to combust. I just want this feeling to go away and only I can do that.

Anyway, if you've made it this far into this post, congrats! Thanks for reading this and hopefully my next entry will be some short stories I posted on tumblr. On my writing account that is.

Thanks Honeybee's and stay safe out there.