in too deep

That week was a huge turning point in my life. At 13, I was able to take a step back for a minute and remember to all the moments that should've been red flags that led to that encounter and collected enough to cover the length of the Nile. I couldn't blame myself. I was a kid. But at the same time, I was heartbroken because blissful ignorance had been a very enjoyable yet toxic friend that finally left me that night and never came back. There are days when I wish he would come back. Sometimes it's just easier to ignore what's happening rather than actually process them.

After reading two entries from the diary aunt2 gave me, I had to put it to rest until I was ready to pick it up again because it was too much. The victim blaming, the self-victimizing, and the overall cruelness that that diary held disguised as love and affection. Which is another issue. I do know she loves me, without a doubt. The problem is in the way she handles it as well as me. In her head, it's enough to say it out loud and spoil me with things I want but never really show me that she does in ways that matter, in ways that I need. It hurts to know that she became this misguided due to her own issues with my grandmother and mother but these aren't excuses and will never be.

Sometimes I wish I can wake my mother and grandmother up from the dead and sit all three of them down. Or maybe one first before the other, whatever is easier for aunt2. Just for her to finally get that closure that she very much needs and hopefully to finally help her realize all the emotional turmoil and conflict that's she's been putting me through for almost my whole life.

Yes, I know you had issues with how my grandmother treated you and I feel sorry for you. She never should have said those things and she should've done more. And no, I am not a copy of your dead sister that you can project all the things you hadn't done for her onto. I am not my mother and I will never be her. It's bad enough that I'm having identity crises over how people love to compare me to her but that's another can of worms to deal with a different time. But she needs to understand both of these points and from what I've seen, she's far from doing either.

I've reached the point where I question my love for her. And I only ever say that I do to not offend her because I don't think I can go back to the way it was. Knowing this, it doesn't stop me from looking back and feeling so bad seeing the potential our relationship had before all these issues came to surface. How happy I was to shop with her, eat with her, bond with her. Now, I do everything to avoid her because that's honestly all I can think to do.

I'm thinking of going to therapy at some point. Maybe during midyear next year or after college. For now, I'm just sure that I will do it for my own sanity. Maybe past me would've found this ironic; an aspiring psychology student needing to go to therapy. Well, if the show Hannibal has taught me anything is that sometimes psychiatrists need their own therapists too. And there's no shame in that.