My Inner Monologue (Old post from my rarely updated blog)

Do you ever wish that people could always know what’s going on inside your head? So that you wouldn’t need to constantly exhaust yourself trying to explain everything properly, and you wouldn’t have to worry about things being taken wrong or going misunderstood? 

I find myself wishing for this quite a lot, and that’s what this blog post is going to, sort of, be; my internal monologue that I frequently wish people could hear.

What I’m Thinking

My thought process is a complicated thing. I often find myself hugely overthinking, dwelling on just about everything that happens and everything that gets said. I struggle with fully living in the moment; always having to heavily plan out what I’m going to do and exactly what I want to say. I always have a script for myself, as I’m constantly scared of saying the wrong thing and people misunderstanding what it is I’m trying to say. I also consider my thought process to be quite eratic – typically jumping from one thought to another, and rarely being able to figure anything out due to the constant switching and my emotions shifting along with it.

My thoughts are highly repetitive too. I’ll always be overthinking things from a long time ago, and going over the same memories and thoughts over and over again. It’s exhausting, and I struggle to deal with it. I often find myself becoming overwhelmed; my swirl of thoughts becoming too much for me to cope with and the confusion with what I’m thinking and feeling being hard to comprehend. For me, it’s constant worrying about what people think and always panicking about people getting the wrong idea and possibly abandoning me. 

I’ll concern myself with the potential thought processes of others, causing my own thinking to become more eratic and overburdoned as I try to plan exactly what I’ll say and how I’ll say it – at the same time as trying to plan out what the other person may say back, and how they may feel. It can be difficult for me to understand those feelings of others however, as I’m not always the best at picking up on the signals and tonal indicators that others give to indicate what they’re thinking or feeling.

Much of the time I’ll be thinking many different things, with various panicked concerns entering my head and overthinking how someone is responding to what I’ve said. This is why I often find myself wishing people could know what I’m thinking and feeling, as I’m not always the best at getting my thoughts out there and my overthinking leads me to confused ways of speaking and sometimes conflicting messages come out of my mouth. I wrap myself in knots, and it’s a pain in the ass if I’m to put it bluntly. I’ve always used a lot of my energy trying to hide how much I’m panicking, in an attempt to come across as normal as possible and to try and blend in more. I don’t want people thinking I’m weird, or other bad things, if they see me panicking or if I take too long to respond because I’m trying my hardest to process everything. I believe this is why I can sometimes say the wrong thing or what I say becomes misunderstood; because in my efforts to seem normal I respond quicker than my brain can fully process everything. This also explains why I regularly find myself thinking of what I should have said (and wish I said) later down the line. 

I’ve never found myself being a huge fan of social interaction, particularly when it comes to people I don’t know and who I’m not comfortable with. I struggle with understanding what’s going on and how I should be socially, so I’ll drain myself of much of my energy trying to just go along with what other people are doing and mimicking how others behave. I don’t like standing out, and as I’ve grown through the years this has become an increasing issue for me; which I think is down to my increasing awareness of other people and how other people can respond. I’ve been ridiculed, criticised and hurt when what I’ve said or done hasn’t been seen as normal to other people, so I’ve internalised a belief system of always trying to blend into the background and not draw attention to myself – constantly striving to just seem normal and not come across in a perceived negative way to other people.

What I Wish People Knew

Whilst I don’t always word things the most perfectly and I’m not always the best at picking up on signals of how someone may be feeling; I wish people knew that I don’t mean things to come across as bad or negative towards them. Some times I’ll speak too quickly and end up saying the wrong thing, or I’ll be saying what I want to say in the totally wrong way and people may get the wrong idea. I never intend to hurt other people, and I never intend to come across as uninterested or blunt. I don’t always know what I should say, so I find myself sometimes overcompensating by saying a lot of the wrong thing – or I go relatively quiet and don’t say much at all. 

I always listen to what people are saying, and if someone is expressing their feelings to me then I always try to say something reassuring and try to help; even if I’m not always the most amazing at it and am turning my brain inside out trying to think of what, if anything, to say. I don’t like awkward silences either, they make me very uncomfortable and put me on edge. I try to fill awkward silences wherever I can, which can also lead me to blurting out something stupid and coming across wrong. I just wish people could all know that, whilst I’m not always great in social situations, I don’t mean any harm and I don’t mean anything negatively towards people when I’m speaking. 

I wish people knew that I struggle with processing information and often need time to think things over. Particularly in social situations, I’ll find my brain trying to take in everything that’s around me which is always a lot of information to process. Often I’ll find myself listening to a person, and whilst I am listening to what they’re saying – none of it will actually be processing fully in my mind because everything else is trying hard to get in too and it can be a lot to deal with at once. I’ll be trying to process their facial expressions and how they’re speaking to try and work out what the feelings behind the words are. I’ll also be trying to take in the sounds I’m hearing and the lighting at the same time as different smells or touches may be occupying my mind too. 

Whilst I’ll feel as though I’m actively listening to someone, I’m not always fully processing what they’re saying and it can lead to me becoming confused. I feel anxiety and embarassment around asking people to repeat themselves, so sometimes I’ll try giving my response based on only some of the information they’ve given me which can lead to me feeling even more anxious and embarrassed when I end up saying the wrong thing. People sometimes think I’m not listening because I can become easily distracted, or my eyes may not be focussing on them – but I almost always am listening. I just feel uncomfortable with focusing on someone for too long and other things catch my eye. But even if I’m not necessarily focusing on someone, I typically will be taking in what they’re saying and not stressing myself out with prolonged eye contact and staying too still is helping me to take on board what is being said. 

I wish that all people knew that I sometimes need things explaining to me in more detail than other people may need.

I don’t always understand things well, particularly if it requires a lot of reading facial expressions to determine the meaning behind what’s being said. Sometimes I need things breaking down a bit more, and to be given time to process the information. I want to understand, but I don’t always find myself able to. I wish people all knew this all of the time so I don’t have to constantly ask for things to be repeated or frequently ask people what they mean because I’ve misinterpreted something.

Overall, I simply wish that things could be easier. I wish that I didn’t overthink as much as I do. I wish that I didn’t process everything (or struggle to process everything) in the ways that I do. I wish I was better in social situations and didn’t have panic attacks when doing public speaking in groups or when speaking with strangers. I wish I understood everything more, and found it easier to understand what others are feeling and trying to say to me. I’m constantly drained, and I drain myself even more trying to just fit in and not stand out and become judged or ridiculed by others.