today today :))

first blog thing i guess?? read if you feel like it, im kinda venting in this so yeah lol. today has been not that eventful. i have to go to school tomorrow, not excited, but i get to take a bath tonight! all my friends are telling me to break up with my boyfriend, but i just cant let go of him. 2 days ago he asked me to take him back (on the 5th he broke up with me) but now i'm conflicted because i still like him a lot but hes an asshole to my friends and makes rude jokes and misgenders me. i seriously don't know what to do, but it feels nice typing this for anyone to see i guess? okay so, my dad is a narcissist, he has npd, and my mom told me girls who have fathers with npd tend to seek out men that also have npd until like something with their emotions is good? idk that's what my mom told me. my boyfriend told me that i have to deal with his humor bc thats just who he is, but the jokes i have a problem with are are about him cheating on me or breaking up with me and im really bad at telling if hes joking or not so i've cried because of these jokes multiple times, but he goes back and forth between being nice and not i guess? something changed between him breaking up with me and then coming back to me. the vibe is much different despite him saying "not a day goes by without me thinking about you." something feels just- wrong almost? on a lighter note, i really want a kitten!! i'm gonna name them after my minecraft cat, meow meow. i value my friends over anything else, i would take a bullet for everyone in my friend group, but i worry if they've impacted the downfall of my relationship with dillon. i guess ill wait this all out a bit, but i wrote a whole paragraph for my reasons i would break up with him, but i guess those reason are less my reasons for departure, but more the reasons for my unhappiness? like- i realize the person i love is the person he used to be, before all this happened. my mom said at the early stages of a relationship with a narcissist, they do something called "mirroring," and i bet whoever is reading this can understand that whole thing. but i miss when he would call me beautiful and when he seemed to care, but now he seems to just- be more hostile almost? i can't find the words to explain it. im not sure if anyone will even see this, or if everyone here will, but ignore the typing mistakes and lack of capital letters i guess lol- but yeah. if anyone reads this, i hope you have a good day :)) if you have any insight for all this, i guess tell me? uh- yeah lol *update* i no longer get to take a bath :(( i haven't in years and i was excited im not longer in a good mood