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Category: Life

The Patron Saint of Gay Mercy Works at Starbucks

Today I had to get my car serviced (100k miles baybeee), so I took some books, one of which was Against Equality, a book so visibly gay it might as well come with sequins

After a while I needed some coffee, so I went across the street to Starbucks. Blinded by my insatiable lust for vanilla sweet cream cold brew, I didn't notice the two church busses outside and when I went in there were 30+ middle schoolers on some kind of summer camp trip bc I guess we just give coffee to toddlers now

There are no other coffee places in walking distance, so I got in line behind a screaming mass of prepubescent anarchy ordering drinks caffeinated enough to keep a grad student's heart beating and sugary enough to finally do in their remaining baby teeth

In the ten minutes it took to reach the front I had endured two close-proximity fangirl squeals from 12 year olds looking up pictures of their favorite TV drama characters and was run into by an 11 year old who decided to make a personal figure-8 racetrack between two tables. Their chaperones were sitting on the other end of the room, matching blue polos with their church name emblazoned in striking comic sans giving them the authoritative weight of being clown college valedictorians, doing absolutely nothing. I can't blame them too harshly though, if someone put me in charge of a small militia of preteens I might also lose the will to live

The barista and I shared a look for a moment when I reached the front. I noticed he had a pride pin on his hat, and he saw my gay book, which only strengthened the feeling of being mutual survivors of some ongoing natural disaster. I gave him my order, and when the ticket printed out he took it to the very front of the line of orders that were laid out on the counter

"Don't tell anyone, consider it the pride month discount."

I nodded and left $5 in the tip jar. My drink was ready almost immediately and I bounced, fast

The past year has been rough for our community, and frankly I think it will get worse before it gets better. No matter what though, I always trust other gay people to look out for me, and I'll do the same for them

To the Patron Saint of Gay Mercy, thank you for rescuing me from those children. I swear I'll pay it forward somehow.


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