Here I‘m trying to look after myself
To calm the hideous thoughts I have
I am feeling so small and vulnerable.
The hot water from the shower is supposed to help
Supposed to help me wash away the blackness of thought trickling slowly but persistently out of my brain. This pitch black sticky substance makes me feel heavy, tired - it’s pulling me down.
At first the water seems to help - I imagine the darkness washing away. But then this isn’t enough. My thoughts, as if they want
To fight against what I am doing are becoming angry and more aggressive. Now my thoughts are imagining the water to be razor blades shaving pieces of my unworthy skin of my body. I am a tragic waste of skin.
Next is just being - trying to be and to let the thoughts and feelings pass. Let them pass like toxic clouds eventually do. The warm water that has collected in the bathtub feels safe.
Again my thoughts turn against me and somehow a feeling of worthlessness overcomes me and I want to drown. I want to drown myself in the tub. To put my head underneath the surface I have to curl up in a embryo position. This makes me feel even more worthless. Like a squirming dirty useless helpless being that has no right to exist. At the same time I am immobilised by my stabbing thoughts and Iron Lady emotions. I am drowning.