May 4th 2022

I am not okay anymore. I don’t really know what happened though. I am just finding it hard to stay alive right now. I don’t know who i am anymore. I don’t know who or what I like. I don’t know what I am anymore. I am losing myself and all the things i thought i was are falling apart I don’t know who I am right now and its terrifying. This is one of the times I’m glad none of my friends care enough about this blog to read it because at this point its just a vent lol. 

I think I half blame this feeling on my lack of crying lately. I am actually tearing up writing this which is ironic. I haven’t had time to cry lately. It sounds stupid but its like I’d need to schedule time to cry because I’m just never alone and all my houses have thin walls. I don’t even know if I feel safe crying around my best friends anymore because they just make me feel like such a burden. One of my friends specifically likes to make jokes about MY trauma but when I try to vent or talk about what happened they ignore and then get mad or annoyed because I complain too much. I have been trying really hard to complain less sense they’ve been mentioning it they also said I tend to bring the whole group down when I’m upset so I’ve been trying not to complain so much and before now I’ve never ever kept my uncomfortableness or sadness to myself I guess I’ve never tried to hide my emotions and JESUS CHRIST this is so difficult!!! Idk how these people pleasers do it honestly I can’t even do it when its for the betterment of myself. But I’m trying really, really hard! I just don’t want to keep bringing down the friend group. I do know I complain a lot because I’m upset and mad and sad and uncomfortable a lot lol. I just never thought about how it made my friends feel for me always to be bringing them down. And it doesn’t help that every town seconds i think of a new thing to be upset with my friends about. Obviously I don't mention half of them because i enjoy having friends but this is so hard. I grew up teaching myself to listen to others when their upset and try to help them even if I’m having a good time because I want my friends to know I care about them. I am not a people pleaser though. I always said what i thought and taught myself to value honesty even if it hurts. So now I’m being honest with myself in an attempt to right the wrongs I’ve been creating and spreading around my whole life. I’m also working on my art business and i wanted to have some stuff up by now but I find that with all the stress in my life its really hard just to exist right now. I want to exist and I want to better myself for my friends sake because I know its unhealthy for me to be complaining to them all the time but it was all small things mostly i thought. I always said if i ever turned toxic I should cross over the imaginative lines of the “reality” we accept as afterlife. So I guess that means I should go now but I can’t do that to my cats. Furthermore I dont want my friends to think I’m manipulating them or to think its their fault. I mean, it would kinda be their fault but its actully mine for being toxic they just made me realize so its actully my fault. I just don’t want my friends to feel bad. I’m already getting replaced by half of them though so I dont know if they’d care at all. I don’t want to die at all but i know the world would be a better place if I was g0ne. Anyways its my fourteenth birthday in a week or so and I always swore I’d be d34d before 14 so ya know i guess its time to take action XD. I just feel so terrible though because I feel like i really am manipulating my friends. I feel like if i slid in a sewer it’d just make me a more manipulative person for putting my friends and loved ones through that. Its not like I believe no one loves me I just suppose maybe the world would be better without me. I used to say i was awesome all the time to keep my confidence up and i was known for being the friend that unapologetically loved themselves but now I dont think I can say I love myself without saying in manipulative. All I know anymore is that I hate Val. I’m pretty sure I called them hacker b4 or something but I give up. I just can’t take this anymore. Anyways, I’m sure ill figure this out at some point, whatever it takes I have myself and thats all i need. I just really hope I can be better ands complain less and be happier when I’m sad or angry around my friends because i never realized how much of a toll it was taking on them to have me sulking half the time. I just wish there was a better way to be happier around them without hiding my feelings. This can’t be normal and if it is idk how you all hide all negative emotions all the time because when I try I just wanna cry. Anyways, ill type l8r. Byebye-Maddex <3