My first Entry.

Does anyone else feel like life is kind of a drag at the moment? Everything is so boring right now in the summer, most of my friends are gone and all I do is work all day for money I don't even need. I spend a majority of my day worried about money or my budget, and in that same breath I wonder what I'm even trying to stockpile all my money for. My rent is covered, my groceries have been bought. I guess I've just been trying to chase my concept of happiness through money, even though there's a lot more to being happy than financial independence. I think that's what I find most frustrating, I know why I don't feel happy, and yet I continue to do it out of sheer boredom? I mean if there's nothing else to do I must be making money right? At least that's the idea that's been reinforced in my mind for the last, I don't know, 6 years? Last night I reached the limit of my patience with this struggle of mine, and I honestly just sat in my car and cried about it for some time. It's a weird, off-putting feeling, I just wish I had better ideas for what to do. I'm definitely getting better at it, it's just a process I suppose. I'm currently at a local coffee shop that I enjoy, and it definitely feels nice to be out of my apartment for a while, it is refreshing. I have my book with me, and I decided I was going to spend some time on here because I was encouraged to by iason. I want to make a schedule so I have a guideline for what to do with my time, but I feel like just going with the flow is probably a more mentally healthy decision. It's worked so far today, as I woke up earlier than normal and just went with it, had my morning coffee and cleaned my room a bit, took care of some errands. Now I'm here, long before when I would normally be awake, trying to have some sense of normalcy before I get thrown back into work again. I think that's probably the most important thing, putting my life first and work second in my mind, so I'm not constantly dreading the next work day. It's kinda weird that I do dread it, I think it's due to the long shifts, but I like my job. Even if it's strenuous it's given me a lot of opportunity and more freedom than I've ever really had. I just need to I guess allow myself to have that freedom when I get away from my work and enjoy things more, I have all the tools to do it. I may go spend some time in the park once I order this coffee, I haven't really been in the sun for quite a while. I'm also going to be more lenient with how I spend my money. Why worry so much about it if there will always be more, you know? Maybe financially that's a terrible mindset, but what good is money if you aren't happy spending it, then it's just an intangible number in your bank account you know? It means nothing if you can't convert it into tangible things that make you happy. I should move on from money though, I feel like I'm getting repetitive, it's just been consuming my mind lately so that's a lot of what I can think to write about. I need to start reading again, I think many people neglect the benefits it provides, not that they should read out of necessity but out of joy and relaxation. You really don't even have to read a book to enjoy it, like the book I have now I bought just due to the cover. It's a pretty blue bird on a gold embroidered branch, and the text is debossed with that same gold embroidering. It gives it this kind of glean to it that's really peaceful, considering it's about Japanese aesthetic it actually makes a lot of sense they used the material in this fashion. That kind of foresight I admire, they put a lot of time and effort on what the book even feels like when you pick it up, the little indentions in the cover and the reflection off of those gold branches. It's pretty nifty, I'm glad there's people out there who can think with so much intention. I think I'll end this post here though, I'm going to read a chapter or two over a coffee I've yet to order, too many types of coffee to pick from.

Thanks for reading a little snippet of my mind, I hope you have a great day.

Love, peace, and taco grease.

-kelpyg