violent calmness before the more violent storm

I have overestimated my abilities. While my grades are pretty good and by no means bad, they weren't enough to get me into the dean's list. I know I should be thankful to even have above average grades but the main reason why I wanted them to be that way was so I could get into the list. So, in a way, it feels like I've wasted all the time and energy I've put into this semester.

I can't mope yet though, at least not to the extent that I think I need. I have to keep my shit together until this Friday, after I've finished my last presentation. Only then I think I can actually let go efficiently. Not "let go" in the way that I'll drop everything and roll around on the floor in a pool of my tears. But just...sit down and let everything digest completely. Then if I can, literally let it go before it transforms into something much more horrific than I can handle. I want to rest. God knows I deserve it. So after everything has boiled over that's exactly what I'm going to do.

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