6/20

feeling really alone inside of a relationship is the most draining thing. like you know you have the full ability to have your needs met but something just isn't right or isn't clicking. I've been going to therapy and trying to chase a better position in life mentally because I know that I lack a lot of what makes someone sane. Today we talked about dv and how the relationship after always feels boring or insignificant because it didn't carry all there rollercoaster moments. It reminded me of n and the way our relationship faulted mostly due to me not understanding that I was a victim in my previous relationship. Finding myself here again makes me nervous, I want things to change but I have lost hope that they ever will. I worry that I may never get out of this relationship or that it will continue the way it has forever. I will give my kids an abusive father and I will be the women never strong enough to stand up for herself. always too something. too dramatic, too crazy, too friendly. I don't want to be chasing this version of love the rest of my life and that is what mostly scares me. Today I tried to make myself do more but i have been accomplishing less and less as i venture away from my medication. I don't want to be fat but I know i need to be mentally stable.