compulsions

you know how often i just dream about leaving this town and moving back to the village my parents originally came from. all of my ancestors lived in that area, it’s a beautiful place, truly magnificent in summer time. but i can’t just live up recalling few of memories left from the last trip to there i had almost ten years ago. i want to be away from all of this. i want a simpler life. i want to be simple and clear with my intentions. i feel so dull, like a caricature. i’m always searching for a healing point in my life, there has to be a specific place and timeframe where i can obtain myself as a “clean” and right one. i’m very claustrophobic in my own body and feel a physical urge to keep myself “clean”. i don’t know how to make a sense out of this but it’s weird. all of it. i know that i’m very parasitic and have no honesty or desires to fill up and long for a better mortality.