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Technically, a year for most of my life has been divided in two due to school, so I used both of these to make a more accurate picture. Obviously, the second list doesn't apply after 2017.
2004 I mostly remember movies, my mom used to take me to the theatre a lot. '05 too, tho I also had that pretty bad first grade. Moved schools sometime in the middle of the year I guess, but 2nd eludes me. I don't think much happened in 2005-6, aside from a tornado and moving house. 3rd had quite an incident, but 4th was chaotic, absolutely bonkers. It was at once the most dire year for me, as I almost went to juvie, but everyone around me supported me. I transferred again. Some other incidents happened outside of school, but overall, it was pretty good since I was moving ahead and was mostly having fun. The bad parts were isolated and I wasn't feeling bad about them for long. That was leading through to 2009, an uneventful year, but entirely positive as far as I can remember. 2018 was going to repeat that, mostly. 8th grade also goes up there; but not 2012-13 as a whole, for reasons I won't deeply discuss. That was a very bad home environment; school was by far much better, so it's mixed, in a different way to 2011, which was mostly just okay, though my mom swears my school environment there was horrible. But it wasn't, exactly. Just mixed but thankfully not extreme. High school was generally meh for me. Nothing happened. Sort of a waste. I only really remember not feeling good at all around 11th grade, when my very good behavior of the past year deteriorated. It was strangely also the happiest time for me, the short period I felt euphoric alone. And was happy being entirely alone, probably for the rest of my life. But that crashed down hard, and I don't quite remember how. I think that's where the cracks become visible, that still are there to this day, is why both are low. Later 2016 was better though. I began my online presence and built up who I am now. It was a nice. 2017 was rocky, I graduated, and had all kinds of online interactions, began college. Was fine. I don't want to talk about 2019, but the reason 2020 is so low is because of its lingering effects, which only really wore off sometime last year. Despite being in a horrid mental state, 2020 was pretty nice until my schedules started breaking down by the end of the year due to not being made to physically go anywhere. That kept going through the next year, but 2021 ranks higher because the horror of 2019 was passing.
So basically, start high, shallow dive, slowly go up and up to peak, then slowly down back to mid, stay a while, down, boop, down, up, hard, hard down and slow climb up to mid.
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portwindsor
end of highschool sounded rough
im glad u got through
i also agree highschool was kinda a waste, i personally was too shy for anything but didnt have any particularly strong interests in anything--depression i guess
i hope ur doing good now
The end wasn't bad, though. I stabilized around then with a few nice people online, but was ignored by everyone in rl. Oh well, they weren't that great for me anyway. It's not that I was "really" suffering then (2015-6), and I also would never hurt myself that bad. But the problem is that I felt that there was no reason to NOT do so, except merely that I didn't want to botch it or feel pain doing so (at that point, 2019 topped that big time).
Yeah. I was pressured to join stuff, constantly. Never did. Too shy, painfully so, but also I just didn't like any of the clubs at the school. My interests were mainly books about the middle ages, academic books and semi-academic, stuff I bought and had myself, and so I didn't see any point in clubs. It really does treat one like a cog in a machine. If it fits, then it works okay, but I only fit sometimes. Why fight against your nature for fleeting gain and much pain when you can just avoid? We are all different, so we should be treated differently, but it's impossible for some leviathan like a public project to see any one of us little ants as anything more than ants, despite the fact that we clearly are not ants. But oh well, even if you haven't quite figured everything out, at least you have your whole life ahead of you. Both of us do! 83
It's better, yes. I just am not in the best family situation, they don't understand me so even though both sides want me to get x, I can't get x. So I have a hard time moving forward in my life. But that's all, really.
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That sounds like it was hard :[ thats good u had online people, irl people are sometimes not great :L. I ended up hating extra curricular activities because its kinda anxiety inducing and i didnt enjoy school anyway..
Sorry your family situation is bad, it sucks when they have expectations just for the sake of it, they should want you to do what makes you happy to be honest.
by portwindsor; ; Report
Yeah, at the time they were alright. I've never really met any good ppl for me in rl.
Ah yeah, it's scary, big events, lots of people forcing interaction and huge time eaters, sounds awful. I know I wouldn't subject myself to it unless I felt there was something to gain.
It's not that the expectations aren't good, and what I do want. It's the complete negation of my feelings and nature as a human being. Like public school, I'm just a cog in a machine to them. "Just do it" is one of the worst things to tell me, because that's just not how my brain works.
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that sound shit. and yea if it was that simple you would 'do it'. like they cant have an ablist system and expect everyone to be happy.
by portwindsor; ; Report