Love 1

 I've always been thinking of the end of things, specifically my life. I've never seen it as something negative, but just a regular part of my routine thinking. Even as a young child, I was always making plans for my future, even up until old age. My plans started as something innocent, but have matured and changed over the course of my life. 

 Whilst making these plans, I 'd always take my death into account. I'd daydream about dying and how I'd die. I'd never think this way of others but only of myself. It just seemed natural. 

 When I was older, suicide became a thought in my mind. It was not triggered by depression. If anything, it made me feel like I had more control of my life. I know that I am capable of doing great things in this world and that I have been put here to do a duty that no one else can. Still, if my life is to truly be my own, I should have every right to put an end to it if I please.

 I've always felt close to the word "forever." I think of it so much, it might as well be my favourite word. When I think of "forever," I think of an eternity, a guarantee, a committment. What better committment is there than to love someone else; to dedicate your life to them? I realised this when I got into my first relationship. I faced many problems, not only because I was young, but because of how much I prized committment. No one seemed ready to committ, and when I realised this, I always felt compelled to die. 

 If no one could committ to me then surely death would. It's guaranteed to be eternal. Thankfully, I've found someone who wants the same level of committment that I do. I didn't think that such a person could exist, but I am forever grateful to whatever force brought them into my life. They are my existence, and if I should lose them, I should lose myself.