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Every once in a while I come back to the realization that I am not the same person I used to be. Everyone is bound to change, it is human progress. If you never change you can never better your self. On the flip side you can just as easily change yourself for worse, that’s the side I fall onto. I still remember the day that changed me and the person I was before. I used to care a lot, I cared a lot about my friends, about my family, about everything. I was always full of care for others. Or at least that’s how I felt, maybe others could argue that I wasn’t as care filled as I preserved myself to be but in my eyes that’s how I felt.
There was a day that changed all of that, September 26th 2020. I still remember the day so clearly, I could follow the steps exactly to the dot of what occurred that day to bring upon me what has happened now. I remember every step I took, every call and message I sent out, every ounce of panic I felt. And since that day on the inside I haven’t been the same I think people around me have noticed too. maybe my parents and siblings have noticed, or maybe its been so long since then they’ve just forgotten. What happened that day changed me to my core, shattered my character to bits. I feel as if I don’t care anymore, or maybe not that I don’t care but I only care if it coincides with my self interests, and I don’t forcibly put myself in scenarios where it could cause emotional damage towards me. Maybe this is me learning? There is that old saying which was something along the lines of “you can’t help other if your burning yourself” which I never used to understand but now I think since everything has happened it is finally making sense to me. But it just is rough because the person I used to be felt as if the only thing I had going for me was to help other people so having to lose that part of me I valued the most was hard to learn. Does it make me a bad person now if I can’t bring myself to help people if it’ll hurt me?
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