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I was always sure I was strictly straight. Before even getting in a relationship, my crushes were always men. But there has been a side of me that looked at female characters too. I found some of them to be cool or badass. Some examples are Raven(Teen Titans), Artemis(Young Justice), Rainbow Dash(MLP), Arcee(Transformers prime), and Rogue(X-men Evolution). I was never attracted to them, I just wanted to be more like them.
But it gets confusing because I was very sheltered as a kid and I thought kissing was how you got pregnant up until Sophomore year of high school. I didn't know where my clit was or where my urethra was. So growing up my male crushes were weird. They were the same as the female characters. Any that I thought were cool or badass. Examples are Daredevil(Marvel), Damian/Robin(Young Justice), Jack frost(Rise of the Guardians), and Nova(Ultimate Spider-Man).
About 4 years ago(Junior year) when I finally got a hold of what it meant to be attracted to someone, I was firm in liking men and men only. Recently, when thinking back on all my experiences, I noticed a pattern I had. And I admitted I like looking at girls. I liked seeing other female body and body types. I liked admiring the way girls looked and dressed. I found myself checking out girls more than my own boyfriend did. I thought about how I found it hard to make girl friends. How I was a tomboy. How I preferred the company of guys. And now how I am very uncomfortable talking to girls. I can't ever think of the right thing to say. And when I only care about girls opinions about myself.
It doesn't change that I liked men. I liked being intimate with men. I dreamed of men, the perfect man. With girls though, I didn't desire that. I didn't think I could enjoy a girls touch. I didn't imagine kissing them or dating them. I just liked looking. Looking and drawing and wanting to be them.
Maybe it was my strict religious upbringing that was keeping me from wanting it. Or maybe not. But now, its Pride month again. And I'm questioning everything. Do I like girls? And every time I'd say no way. I've had dreams of being intimate with girls. Only twice. Once, I remember being uncomfortable and not wanting her to be touching me. But I remember letting her anyway.
So I did more research. I am now ready to admit and accept I may be fruity. Heteroflexible or Bicurious. Of course there is a bigger issue with that since I am in a hetero relationship and I am happy with him. People have an issue with Bisexuals who are in a hetero relationship. So I won't tell anyone I know. Whats the point? I can admire and love from a distance.
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