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exhauSted

05-06-2022


im honestly so exhausted, i feel weak? like not physically weak but emotionally weak. im so bad at dealing with stress and with situations and problems. I get more than two problems thrown at me and i instantly crumble. It sucks to have this realization because, I honestly thought that i was good at solving problems and that i had a very adaptive personality, but i guess not. It makes me think so low of myself, i suddenly feel so much more inferior than everybody else in my life. i look at my mom, sister, friends and i see that theyre all so much better than me at handling problems and failure. i wish i was in more control of myself. 

i saw a quote and it said: "I do not know whether i have survived. My inner self has shut itself more and more. As though to protect itself, it has become inaccessible even to me".

that pretty much summarizes how i feel right now. i have so much brain fog, its almost like i go into this trance and im unable to reach out of it. im slowly becoming more reckless to myself, its almost like being forced to hang out with someone you dont even like.

today i was supposed to go on a date with someone who i believe is my soulmate (ill write another blog on my views on soulmates ;)), but i had to give class in the morning for three hours, my phone stopped working, i didnt have the right clothes, my body dysmorphia was eating at me, so i just gave up and didnt go. instead of facing all the issues at hand, i did what i always do, i gave up and half assed everything and ended up cancelling my date. (we rescheduled it but still). 

666 ;; reflect ; its time to reflect on your past and to wake up to your higher spiritual truth

-xo noodle


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▀▄▀▄▀▄𝔭4𝔭33<ℨ▀▄▀▄▀▄

▀▄▀▄▀▄𝔭4𝔭33<ℨ▀▄▀▄▀▄'s profile picture

i relate to this very much, im really good at avoiding difficult situations and giving up on things, i have always been this way. im an uni student and because of how i am + social anxiety (i didnt go to class a few times and then i thought i should have some more work done when i finally come so that the teacher won't be upset with me but then it just snowballed into me only being there 3 times in this semester and now im petrified of that teacher (and it was like that with a few more subjects)) i am behind on things and some exams have already started. i dont want to continue my major next year, i want to pick something different and the plan is to finish this year and pass exams but every 2 days i feel like I've never wanted anything more that just give up because i feel like it's not worth it but i think my self esteem would go even lower if i quit so rn I'm trying to get through this and i think im only doing this for my parents .
my new therapist said from what she heard from me i fit perfectly into the avoidant personality disorder description, I didn't know there was a personality disorder like that and it kind of warmed my heart to know im not the only one like that
right now the thought of me finishing this year even with having to redo some tests is motivating me i really want to be able to say i made it and didn't give up
im sorry if i went off topic here but i hope my comment is somehow useful and i wish you good luck


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oh i forgot to say i relate thebmost to what you wrote about brain fog for me it makes me feel like i dotn kniw whats going on and comparing yourself to others , its so hard not to do that

by ▀▄▀▄▀▄𝔭4𝔭33<ℨ▀▄▀▄▀▄; ; Report

yea the brain fog is the absolute worst :// i got this quote from bojack horseman where a character says "if you do it everyday it gets easier. it gets easier, but only if u do it ever single day." we just have to keep moving

by noodle; ; Report