Just a vent. 1:12am 04/06/22

''You haven't experienced much of the world yet, you don't understand what it feels like to be upset.''

Well sherlock, pain can come in different forms. Everyone has their own pain. Not experiencing the world enough is insignificant to feeling pain. Personally I believe kids don't get taken seriously by adults when it comes to their mental health. I think its so upsetting that a child has to lock away their feelings to their parents just because they know how they'd react. When you vent to a school teacher too and they end up telling your parent which ruins it all or they don't help you in a proper way. People always say, ''It'll get better'' ''Everyone goes through it'' ''Don't think about it so much.'' I've probably heard all the stupid excuses before and really it's unhelpful. It seems like adults don't know how to respond in the right way to people when it comes to venting about personal issues. When it comes to my parents, it's always about culture and reputation. They just don't take my mental health seriously which is why I don't tell them about my mental health. 

You know how people say you must love your mother the most? I don't. I have a faint relationship with her. It's no use trying to fix it because my mother is a very difficult person to talk to or even be around with. She only thinks about reputation, she always thinks she's right, lastly she's very strict.. there's always a long list to it, some things are better left unsaid.

She's one of my biggest problems, I don't know if its mummy issues? It's not like I want to get rid of her, we're just never on good terms. That's not normal at all, but really it can't be helped and I've always been told to just accept it because someone like her will always remain the same. She never helps me out in my situations and she forces me to say things I don't wanna say to her when it comes to my mental health. Literally when I'm uncomfortable or not ready she always thinks she's doing the right thing. She's aware that I clearly don't want to say things but no, it always has to go her way.

My siblings always talk about how back when they used to be kids our mother was alot lot strict on them. She has changed alot now but they say she's being too lenient on me. Only because she used to be alot harsh, they don't understand that she's still harsh even if I didn't go through the things they did, It's not about them. I'm struggling so much and my own family wont see/understand it. It's always about how my mum isn't stricter on me as how she was before and how 'lucky' I am. I feel appalled by how they think I'm lucky to be treated this way. 

In a way, this has messed me up alot. I feel like a bad daughter in advance of everything. My mother telling me off 24/7 and not being trusted with things. This just makes me want to rebel more and lose my sanity. For I have been doing bad and making things worse for myself. 

My mental health just isn't getting better. I feel like I fail to get things done, I don't want to listen to people. My life evolves around attachment, love. I don't face love but I crave it. By doing this I crush on people. I don't think it's a crush though. I just attach myself to people to avoid internal issues and now I don't know if anything I did was genuine and if I'm even capable of having romantic feelings. I find my personality disgusting and I'm sick of myself. People around me always don't like me and I don't usually understand why. When I try to avoid the things that make me upset, deep down I know it really does affect me and there's no running from it.

I just need the right person to give me advice that would help me through this phase.

-kaya