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i made a plan, back in march. the plan was to wait a month and if nothing great happens, then id commit suicide. 

so at the last week of april, i was getting everything stocked up for it to happen until i met a person, that person was a boy. he's amazing. just a few flaws (action wise)

we did so much in such little time.

i was off my meds this past month, going in and out of manic episodes. crashing down. relapsing back into self harm, pills, and drinking. 

i was raped. in april. it wasnt the first time, just different dudes. but recently, i told my parents. i didnt plan on telling them everything, they didnt even know i was molested. everything happened so fast. 

This month i tried overdosing, the person i met, he made me throw up the pills, i tried cutting my wrists, it was deep but not enough. its scary how i can go from thinking im a higherpower, to laying in the bathroom with pill bottles and blades everywhere.

i got admitted to the hospital. it helped. i got discharged yesterday, had an anxiety attack, freaked out. its just scary. i feel so empty. when im at my base line as im off meds. its like nothing, no one is is in my head. sometimes when i go manic i hear static, or voices. its loud, i feel so crazy. i feel so bad. sometimes i think killing myself would be easier, i mean it is. but i actually want to try. i have been, its just hard. its so hard waking up not knowing what mood ill be in, or anything.