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I don't really know why I'm writing this out, but it's taking a stupidly long time to get therapy and I've lost a ton of friends already because my mental state, so I guess i'll use this as a chance to let out all my thoughts.
So, basically, I'm a trans girl. I started questioning my gender around mid-2019, but because of personal situations I pushed all that aside until late February 2022. It was then that I realized I was a trans girl, thanks to both me reading the webcomic Rain and realizing that all my OCs were female. Over the past few months I've been working on myself and discovering who I truly am. I've realized my fashion sense, my name, my pronouns, my interests. I've probably discovered more about myself in the past three months than in my entire 20 years of life.
But, tragically, I'm kinda not able to express my gender. At least, not in the real world. On Discord I have plenty of friends that support me and/or are in the LGBT+ community. But that's basically where the support ends. In real life, I'm stuck in boy mode. My parents are incredibly conservative and right-wing, with my mother genuinely getting sick at the idea of a trans person and my father lambasting trans women for not being "men".
I've always known since I was a young kid that I wasn't entirely masculine. I identified as a boy, yes. Yeah, I liked "boy" stuff like comics and Star Wars and G.I. Joe. But I knew I didn't really like doing "guy" things, like manual labor or being shirtless publicly or facial and body hair. I remember crying over having to cut my hair short, or denying for years when I was growing a mustache. Dad always chastised me for crossing my legs like a woman, or for complaining about having body hair. The longer I think about my past, the more I remember moments like that. Mom saying I can't have lady fingers, me being upset I can't wear high heels.
This post is going a little off the rails, so we'll go back on track. I just don't feel safe around my parents. Every little thing I do seems to set them off, no matter how good of intentions I have. I have autism, so my parents also treat me like I don't know anything and that I can't do anything myself. They're already in a very dysfunctional marriage, which means I have to be careful or else I'll make them get into fights with either me or each other. And in between all this, there's that constant prodding at my unmasculinity and how I should be more manly and chivalrous and proud of being a man. I haven't come out to my parents for this reason. The most I can do for my dysphoria these days is to have on the underwear I bought for that purpose, because I know for a fact that if my parents caught me, I'd get so much hell and ridicule for it. They wouldn't kick me out, not at all, which makes it even worse. I have no where to go to safely practice and experiment being myself, I don't have many local friends to talk to about the situation, I don't even know what LGBT groups exist nearby. I just feel like I'm in danger, and I'm getting tired of being closeted. I guess a good way to describe it is, you've seen a really good movie, and you wanna tell people all about it, but you can't because your friends either haven't seen it or you know that they'd hate it and make fun of you for liking it. That's a good way to describe how being closeted feels.
I really don't know why I wrote this up. I don't think anyone is really gonna read this and understand what I'm saying. I just needed to let out all my frustration in this really confusing, stream of thoughts way. Is this even the right category to put this in?
Side note, but I used to use the LEGO Message Boards as a kid, and this format is giving me a lot of nostalgia for those times. So I guess something good happened from writing this.
Comments
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Evo
Yea, sometimes not getting kicked out is just as bad as the alternative. I know people who prefer staying at homeless shelters over having to put up with the bigotry of their parents. If you're able to find more LGBTQ+ spaces irl, I would highly recommend you try and visit them. Unfortunately, those places are dependent on your location, so i cannot give you exact places, but you may be able to find LGBT events, support groups, or centers in you area.
There's also a website called "Queering the Map", and you can go to your location and leave a story/comment about your own experiences or see other's experiences. It might bring you some comfort to hear of other queer people in your area.
Try to experiment while your family is at work or on a vacation; that's what I did and it provided me a short reprieve in the hell that was my closeted life.
Your metaphor for being closed was spot on btw.
I'm sorry your situation looks so bleak right now. Hopefully you'll get to a point in your life where you can move out or find people who can support you. Speaking from experience, your situation will improve. Just hang in there.
zoeybee
hey bestie, i’m sure you know this already but i love you so so so much. i dunno what point we were at in our friendship when you posted this but i’m so glad of the progress we’ve made and how close we’ve gotten. you really truly are one of my best friends ever. and i can’t wait to meet you in real life to give you the biggest hug you’ve ever gotten.
𝗭𝗔𝗖𝗞𝗢
I hope you can find the support system you need to feel safe and live authentically someday soon
️ Things will get better
I really needed to hear that. Thank you very much.
by Kimberly; ; Report