forgetful spaghettie

i cannot do what i want to do- to create and feel and accomplish- without being held back by the things i do not want to do. i was meaning to spend this time between classes and work creating songs of sorrow and growth; hack my way through technology i don't fully understand; connect again with my favourite people. i have reconnected, however not as deeply as i wanted. and i already long for the people and the liberation of northwest. i have created some songs, but they are shit. and the one i like (at least for now) is locked behind an unfortunate glitch. i have done zero, mithen, hacking.
i wish to love someone, to hold someone close and for them to hold me. however i am in no position to confess to the one person i feel could be the person i need due to our position. not to mention that my locale is fickle for the next half a year. one moment i am here, then i am across the world, and then i go back northwest. by the time i am up there, will i still feel they are who can help? haruki murakami's works have always been deeply profound on me, and they always land on my lap exactly at the correct moment.
the first book i read, "hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world" i read eight or so years ago. during a time i was most alone. in a new country, trapped inside a house with no substantial outside interaction. i imagined myself in where i wanted to be a lot. in the universe of star wars, back in preveza, in a public school. that book came at a time wherein reality and fiction were not clear to my young mind. was each moment real, or am i conjuring it to cope? that book fit the moments.
years later, i rediscovered murakami by pure happenstance. i was at a bookstore- browsing- and i remembered of the strange book i read six years earlier. i asked the clerk there if they knew who might have written a book who's cover is mostly a metallic red, had a long title, is japanese, and alternates between the real and fictional world (with the two worlds eventually mixing) between each chapter. they figured it would be murakami. i asked if they had any of his books. they announced that right behind me was his brand new book, "killing commentadore". during that time, i was reading "the great gatsby" for school. without delving too much into it, the books share some parallels and it was fascinating how the parallels matched at the same time as i read each one at the same time.
next, i believe, i read "norwegian wood" a year later. i bought it at a kinokuniya my hairstylist aunt brought me to the day she dyed my hair green. it was less out-there than the other books. a mere romantic novel. yet, that was when my relationship with a special woman began to blossom and it fit the moment perfectly. it was also early in the summer before i began university and so the book put some worries at ease about dorm living, romance in that environment, and also it made me all the more excited for living university.
"kafka on the shore" was next. i finished that book right before i went to uni, wherein i met a person that has some similarities with a character in that book (won't say more than that for spoilers) and helped me understand them a bit more even though i met and even dated people of that type before.
i just finished reading "sputnik sweetheart". i read it all in this one day. the 28th of may in the year of our lord twenty twenty-two. i have had this book for two-three months now, but did not read it until just now. and it fits perfectly. i am trying to come to terms with the love, or at the least fondness, i may be feeling may being unrequited. this book helped alleviate that somewhat. now i am listening to weatherday's album "come in", which has a song that i am pretty sure references this book. i am actually on the last song of the album as i write this.
"anyway i would do anything for you
if it meant i'd get a small hint of warmth"
so true bestie
and now, the album is over.
i hope these feelings go away soon. i tried writing a song, my way of catharsis from feelings, but it is terrible. it sounds bad, is too monotonous, and doesn't convey what i want to express well. so that means i need to hold onto this for a little longer, it seems.
i have talked a lot about this person to my old friends. they don't know my sputnik sweetheart personally so it is easy to share with them. they always say that the stories i recite to them of us two are cute and i should pursue them. yet, i feel that would be unfair to them. my nostrils are hooked up to a can of worms and it hurts. i can open the can and share that. maybe they are a fish and like worms, but i am not sure. so i hope i figure out how to yank this marafetti off of my face or they are a fish and open it themselves.
i told myself earlier today that tomorrow, the 29th of may in the year of our lord twenty twenty-two, i will record a song about one of two things- aging, or a re-attempt at the previously failed song. ideally, i will succeed in one of those two.
i don't believe in the lord, by the way. however i find it extremely amusing to use religious sayings and imagery. i got in a long talk with a dear friend of mine about spiritual beliefs recently. it was nice, mostly because i got to remember what my beliefs on the topic are. i kinda set them a few years ago and turns out i still agree with those. they're nothing special, so i will refrain from talking about those.
however, what i will continue on is that friend. years ago, i had a crush on her. much the same kind of situation i am in now with this special person. the way i got over her is i confessed with the intention of being turned down, and it worked. i did not want to be in a relationship with her, i just so happened to like her. by her refusing me, i was able to move on. we have mentioned that moment once two years after it happened. laughed about it and moved on. she's great, i am glad we're friends.
the issue with this person is that i am not sure i want to be rejected by them. i don't think i do. it's just that this pathos has hit me at such an inopportune time.
this is simply an inopportune time. i cannot love, create, or tinker. i hate this place. i realise hate is a strong word, but i have always been told i need to be stronger. so there's that, i suppose.
oh shit, class starts in four days