Me and my mental health

I struggle with a lot of mental health issues along with my physical health declining a lot recently.

I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD I have days where I start out in a great mood and are happy as can be. But the slightest inconvenience can literally ruin my whole day. Just the tiniest bit of bad news, an argument, hearing a tone in someone's voice when I'm being talked to and everything is falling apart for me. I can only see in black and white there is no gray. I am either super happy or super sad. I have no in-between. Being ignored during a conversation makes me feel completely invalidated, unimportant, unloved and unwanted. My mind automatically jumps to the worst possible senerio. I have a Favorite Person (FP), a person who magically makes everything better for. My FP is my husband Jakob Knight and my best friend Brandi Marie. And being away from them feels like me feel like I'm dying and I get extremely depressed. I dissociate a lot and always are prepared for the worst possible outcome yet when it happens it hits me so hard I usually have a breakdown so severe that I cut off all contract with the outside world self isolate and often self harm. I also often will have what's called a BPD Episode. I act out towards those who mean the most to me often in bad and unhealthy ways and often hurt their feelings. I self destruct quite often during these episodes and often uninstall or deactivate social media from my phones. I truly don't mean the harmful things I say during these episodes. And I am literally screaming at myself to stop during them but unable to. I also have manic episodes where I am super happy and tend to act impulsively. Manic episodes tend to happen after a depressive episode, and are often followed by a depressive episode because we are upset by my impulsive actions once the manic episode subsides. A BPD episode can last anywhere from a couple hours to weeks. I also mirror those around us unintentionally. It is an unfortunate side effect of this disorder.

I also have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) which is a form of Multiple Personality Disorder. There are 17 alters including myself in my system. And we call ourselves The Horrorville System. I often switch out between alters randomly and have no control of them switching out. DID is caused my some sort of trauma when you are young. Mine was caused by multiple things all jammed together from my childhood and early teen years. My alters switch out to deal with situations that are hard or impossible for me myself to deal with. And my system's gatekeeper Amber makes sure an alter doesn't front when it an unfit time for certain alters to front like child alters for example. I have both male and female alters in my system as well as human, non human and fictive alters. DID is something that's hard to get an actual diagnosis of. I'm lucky to be able to have been professionally diagnosed. 

I'm currently not working due to my declining mental and physical health. And I appreciate everyone who has been there for me through all of this. I'm so appreciative to my fellow systems who have helped me as well Juno Velasquez and Hayden Gillespie. You guys are amazing!

I'm hoping this post will help my friend's, family and followers understand me a little bit better. And please don't hesitate to ask any questions. I would be happy to answer them as well as everyone else in my system.

Also a big thank you to my friend and inspiration Elizabeth A. Gaines for giving me the courage to speak out about all of this publicly. Love you Foxxxy!! ❤️