Insecurities and Depression

This entry is probably going to be some sort of rant, so TW for just in general?(I'm not sure what specific TW I should put) but my therapist says doing this should help me feel better.

I have been so happy for the past few weeks, not without feeling at least a little shitty, but still more happy than in a long time and it scares me. I want to stay happy and enjoy everything but there is always some egging thought that it won't be long until I feel really shitty again, then I'll barely be able to get out of bed. It's a horrible cycle that I've been stuck in since I was like, 12. Before that, I was constantly in a fight or flight mode so I didn't have time to fully feel my feelings(that in itself is something for my therapist to know about) but because of this, it's as though every feeling I've ever felt has been coming back and punching me in the gut with the force of the Hulk or something.

 Happy, sad, angry, all of it. Anger has been especially hard to deal with though. It wasn't safe to express anger, so I just didn't. But now that I'm in a better situation, even something minorly annoying or not even that important makes me so ridiculously mad. I've been working with my therapist on ways to cope, but sometimes it's all I can do but just lay in my bed and try not to scratch my skin off or go off on someone. I get hot flashes and I'm physically shaking and sometimes crying(I cry when I'm mad, but I also get mad when I cry so it feels like a never ending cycle) I also get really violent intrusive thoughts(I'm not going to get into that because it makes me uncomfortable)but it scares me because what I see, I would never do or want.

I've figured out that I try to out-logic myself when I feel this kind of stuff or when I notice I'm going into some kind of unhealthy habit. I really like psychology(I really want to go to college to be a therapist or phycologist)so I like to learn about how the brain works, and the behaviors of neurodivergent and neurotypical people alike, so I'll go through what I know and be like "oh it's just this, you'll be fine" or something similar. My therapist says that it's sort of an unhealthy thing to do because it's a way of invalidating how I'm feeling/what I'm going through. Maybe like a really weird twist on imposter syndrome... idk

Anyways, here's a song I like to listen to when I'm angry 🤟

(it's seether)