an adieu to innocence

You're grown now! I can get a tattoo. I can vote. I can have s*x. I can purchase tobacco products. I can see an R rated movie by myself. I can sign legal documents. I can have my own bank account. I can make my own decisions. I can live alone. I can go to 18+ concerts and events. I can get what ever piercings I want. I can drive a car, and I can buy a house. But I also can't go trick or treating. I can't play with dolls. I can't gush about cartoons or buy toys. I can't have birthday parties, or get a kid's meal. Its so much harder to fit 18 candles on a birthday cake, and Christmas has lost all of its magic. I can't play dress-up. I can't keep a nightlight or the bathroom light on at night. I can't play with stickers, or walk around in weird clothes just because they were comfortable. I can't laugh at silly things. I can't make little mistakes or not understand. I can't snuggle with my mom when I have a nightmare. I can't wake up with the sun on weekends and play on the playground. 

My feet don't fit my old twinkle toes, and my chest stretches out my favorite shirt. My legs are too long for the bathtub, and toys don't fit in with me anymore. When I swing on the swing set, my feet drag on the ground, and when i jump from way up high, I don't hit the ground nearly as hard anymore. I can't squeeze into the play-place at McDonald's anymore, and my shoes don't fit in the cubby. My fun shaped chicken nuggets are so much smaller and I don't need dessert. Makeup isn't nearly as glamorous, and high heels hurt my feet. Fun pajamas just don't come in my size anymore, and neither do princess dresses. I don't sit at the little kids table when we meet for thanksgiving or Christmas. Now i listen to the adults when they talk and I'm sad when I understand what they're talking about. I used to be afraid of monsters. But now i know they live with me. I used to think my parents were rich, until I learned other kids didn't have to live in a hotel. I used to play and swim on the weekends, and play pretend at recess. Now I wake up before the sun does to watch other people's kids do it instead. 

I have a job now. My whole life, my parents worked and worked and worked. Going to their job was amazing to me. It meant they were grown, they were real adults and they were so cool. Now, working isn't nearly as cool of a concept. But I like my job. I work at a daycare in my local gym. When its just me and the kids, I can play pretend and color and dress up and listen to Disney songs all I want, and they understand. I can be 6 years old, and I can think kissing is yucky and that the best thing in the world is getting to play with littlest pet shop toys and dinosaurs. I don't have to know everything. We just get to play. The kids are always so happy to see me, and we talk about things like Paw Patrol and Blues Clues, and which Disney Princess we would be and who our favorite Bluey characters are. And when the day is over, I go back to being 17. 

I don't know when it all changed, but I cry on my birthdays now. Its just one less year I get to be a kid. But now, I'm on my last year, and I'm already being expected to act like it all never happened. I don't know If I'm scared of turning 18, or excited, or sad. But i just know that I'm not ready.