Thinking

I've recently been thinking about who I want to be, and if I am that person. Over the past year I have struggled more than ever. I spent a year in the psych ward, lost my family, and became overly attached to a boy that didn't deserve me. I also started therapy back in July of 2021, and got diagnosed with ADHD, clinical depression, anxiety, and a type of OCD. I have let these illnesses run my life for the past year, caving to all of my urges and making mistakes left and right. I'm far from proud of my decisions, and sorry to everyone I brought down with me. Reflecting on the past is an extremely difficult process filled with self-doubt and self-hatred. Well, I fill it with those things. Hypothetically, self reflection should be an opportunity for growth, but I let it bring me down even lower and use it as fuel for my rage. I've hurt my mother, destroyed my family, ruined my own identity, and wasted my time. Those are my thoughts. From the outside, my family does not see me as a failure or a delinquent, they just love me and want me back. The night before mothers day I reached out to her and finally went home. It started off rocky but ended up being so beneficial. It felt great to be home and back with my sense of safety, aka my mother. We used to have the strongest relationship, and I let a boy ruin it. There are so many things that I would like to change and do better, but I'm blocked with this sense of fear that envelopes my entire being. I feel like a child thrown out into the world just to learn it's as daunting and relentless as everyone told me it would be. My first time making all of the major life decisions and I chose all the wrong choices. I got in the car with the drunk driver, I drank myself to the absolute limit, smoked daily for months, wasted my money, did everything recklessly, all while complaining to others and not taking their advice. The consequences of my actions were more than enough to point me in the right direction, but I grabbed the wheel and got right back on the road to failure. Two weeks meant for success were used as an opportunity to dive off the deep end. I feel like shit. My brain works slower, my body yearns for a break; this me is not the real me. She is deep inside begging to break out. She scratches my insides, telling me everything I am doing wrong, hoping that one day I will break the cycle and work towards my true potential. For months its all I've wanted: to be better. Will it ever happen? Probably. Will I ever make the changes to make it happen? Who knows. Maybe I will be like this forever, a self-loathing, self-hating, chronic blaming weakling. I guess in a way this is me taking responsibility for my actions. All I want is happiness, and I know that can only be achieved within myself, I just need to take the leap of faith.