big TW

Hi there, lately my mood has gone down a lot. I don't know why. I've been relapsing almost on a daily basis and i'm sad when i'm not supposed to be. For no reason. I don't have any motivation but i'm trying my best to go on with school. I'm starting again to cry for no reason and having my feelings shut down. Bad mood, anger, tired and toxic again. I don't even have any more motivation on working on myself to get better. I feel like there is nothing i can do. I'm very tired and every little thing makes me sad. especially that summer is coming and it gives me memories. I love summer tho. I've been trying to get better by doing things i love like makeup, roller skating, buying myself some toys, music and others. It did help a bit but i still feel very lonely and i don't know why. I wanna d1e but at the same time i'm curious of what's gonna come next. I just really wanna feel less alone. music does help in it but it's not enough. This paragraph it's honestly just a big vent. I hope. that if i'm still alive when i'm older i'll read this. I hope i'll get better soon. My psychologist rn isn't doing enough i feel like. She is just making a plan with me for when i'm in crisis. Rn i'm at school, my best friend isn't coming today so i'm alone. I feel like i'm losing my other friends. I think they're getting tired of me. I'm not especially interesting or anything so maybe that's why. Also i had an adult group of friends but i'm not aloud to hang out with them, which i understand. But honestly they were the only people i was able to have an actually convo with. I still talk to a few of them but not that ofen. Tbh i'm a 14 yo and even though i can pull out very fun convos i'm still seen as an emotional child by most of them. Maybe i'm thinking wrong about all my friends but i've got social anxiety which always makes me think other people hate me and my friends talk bad, dislike me or are getting tired of me. Sometimes i just wish it would get better, but when it did after my attempt it lasted for a few months then it got bad again after wards for a period of 2 weeks then normal again and now since 3 weeks it's getting very much down again. My mom used to give me hormones pills because she thought i had the same problem as her trying to make me believe it too. They just made me more calm but i was still toxic, sh and down. Idk how to fix this and i think honestly that suicide could be the best. School is also stressing me out so much especially the dutch system. Right now i'm at Havo-VWO but since i didn't do anything because i had no motivation i have to recover the year to go to Havo or ill either repeat the year or go to VMBO. I don't know what to do.