struggles with Comphet

Since I was like four I have shown interest in them.

told them they were cute, or that I liked them.

I got told that if boys were mean to you it meant they liked you and all that bullshit.

Growing up in the 2000's that was all normal.

But the more that I think about my struggle with my gender identity and my sexuality the more I think about my relationship with cis-men.

My dad wasn't dependable for a long period in my childhood and it sort of made me idolize him since he was hardly around. I missed him a lot and I really wanted his validation. As much as I hate admitting it, I still kinda do.

I think that I crave validation from men.

feeling wanted by them. Because we live in a patriarchy and if men find you pretty or smart or fun then you must be doing something right.

I think about how different it feels when I like a boy versus when I like someone who is not a boy. When its a boy I feel kind of hesitant. I make pro and con lists. I could lose feelings any second. When its a girl, I am terrified. The feelings last a long time. And I am completely consumed by my feelings. I think I am a lesbian.

I think I will always be. even though I have and may continue to date men.

I think that my need for male validation is all that it is. I don't like them. I just need something from them. its very different than actually liking someone. 

-Ellis <3