WE ARE SO FUCKING TIRED {VENT}

I am so fucking tired of having to be Hywel. since being home weve had people around nigh constantly i just be me I have to keep the mask up, even if i could I dont get that fuckign choice the fucking mask kicks in and its like i,m getting puppeted and it FUCKING sucks. WE have to act or right and be in character and its fucking EXHAUSTING. even around the people who know. Not only does the shell not let us break script be we already know how much of a fucking disapointment we are . they like hbywel. hywel is nice, hywel is helpful even though his functionality isnt even him its fucking us. But if hywel isnt as fleshed out as hes supposed to be its disapointing,. its upsetting so its noty a choice. When we were alone in opur dorm we could just be.

THey act like its okay that we are like this but we can see they way they react6 to i8s andf wait for him to be back in majority if we arent easier to work with. when the little one was in iut was okay because they were physically affectionate and sweet. Hywel is so burnt out himself because we cant unmask or we are "angry" to have that be the reaction when we let our pain show or even take a break from the autism masking from literally everyone here its awful

The only reason we can type this is because weve been able to have a mostly solo day, and everyone else is upstairs or asleep right now.

im not upsert with them, or rather im not angry, and im not resentful. They are afraid of losing him it just feels fucking unfair when we moved past that fear for them. it feels unfair when they unmask and we cant and its not even their fault we are too fucked up to do it. even in the moments we can just be in front we cant evenm fully unmask because we have such a tight grip on it. GOd Im fucking exhausted

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