past 3ish weeks update for ghost

my hatred for corporations got boosted even more than i thought it could mainly due to my overload anger spikes coinciding with corporations being bitches.

my lease ended and im back to living with my brother for the month until i move back to toronto. im excited for that. scott pilgrim era beginning for reals.

kinda in the same train of thought i am in an emo mood. i think that started when i was reading the scott pilgrim comics again. the last time i read those was a very bad time in my life (late grade 11). by bad i mean mental health, although thats not entirely true because i made a lot of personal progress that year as well. good comes with the bad or whatever. i would definitely not say ive had a bad life even though the last few years almost killed me many times. 

the emo phase im in rn is basically just me sitting with the memory of myself from a time where pain was more abundant and took many forms and i just had to struggle my way through it. most of the pieces of media i have consumed over the years, especially in regards to romance and accepting the world for what it is, don’t resonate with me as a super duper queer person who basically has had to relearn what it is i want from a world that struggles to understand why i exist and is always trying to pass laws to prevent me from existing further. 

i listened to sports by modern baseball while making pasta from scratch (yea im just bragging about my cooking skills) and that night felt like i had thrown myself back into being 16 where the main thing on my mind was trying to figure out why i couldnt feel love the way the movies say it feels and trying to find love anyway just to see if it would work this time.

i spend this weekend on a farm getting super drunk and hanging out with some really cool fellas. i did a lot of figuring out more stuff about gender especially when i was hanging out with the queers at the farm.

me and shirly gave up weed until may 2023 which i was a little upset about yesterday since the party was going super hard but ya know if i gave up that easy it would have been pointless to even try right? thats not to say i wasnt fairly ready to give up but thats why we use the buddy system (me and shirly are holding each other accountable and having someone like that makes it much easier to stay strong and not give up) plus im gonna be hanging out with people/at parties/otherwise in a position where weed would be nice to have no matter when/where it is especially over the summer and if i was going to push back the deadline to the next party im going to i would end up pushing it indefinitely 

not sure whats in store for me for the next little while but i’ll survive it either way and ill end up vibing this year. the plan is just to work basically full time, this is essentially my actual gap year. the year i dropped out was my “just dont die” year, this one was my “figure shit out” year and the next one is my “vibe and thrive and be sexy” year

as some of you know im never gonna die so i want to make the most of what i have while i have it

thats the update, shoutout ghost for asking me to post more