brain and the tearfolk

Everytime I feel like crying, nothing comes out. I don't even feel that foreboding ache and soreness that comes with the early onset of a cry. Literally nothing happens. My body does not respond.

I admit that I was such a fucking crybaby a few years ago but come on. This is just too much. I wanted to be able to control my crying not fucking kick it's ass out of existence. Now I'm left with this sick feeling, not disgusted but literal ill feeling whenever I wanna cry. My brain is yelling at me to let the waterworks work and nothing happens.

But when the clouds do actually part and sunlight finally shines through and the tears pour out, it's like jumping through multiple hoops multiple times repeatedly. I have to imagine something or think of anything so terrible or sad to force the tears out. You know, give the little guys a bit more push.

"Hey, guys, it's your cue."

"But we don't wanna come out."

"...what."

"We don't."

"But you have to."

"Yeah, but we don't wanna."

"Why?"

"Because it's just a small problem. Nothing worthy of us."

"She's literally on the verge of a mental breakdown."

"Exactly why we shouldn't interfere. She's gonna be crying instead of doing her work."

"Bottling it up is way worse."

"Not worse than not getting her tasks done. She can handle it, she literally trained us to do this."

No, I don't, and yes, I fucking did, thank you for that wonderful reminder. That was a lovely little conversation between my brain and tears by the way.

I hate this so much. It hurts ten times more than it should. I'm fucking inconsolable once I do get myself to do it. Good job, young self, for giving my present self and probably future self if I don't fix this, another thing to worry about. Shit, it hurts so bad.