TW VENT (please don't read if your are sensitive idiot!!!)

hey so I'm just going to start i dont have the best home life and my dad has never been around for very long but recently for like 2 or 3 years he has been lying too my mom about me and my sister saying were disrespectful and mean i have never been disrespectful ive only had respect for him (until he started the abuse tw) and ive had this little issue to where i always had too be perfect and now its really fucking me over like seriously my mom thinks im terrible and lazy and my dads behind it all ive tried to explain but it never works its like he has full control over him on top of that every time we talk about the house she always brings up the reason he deosnt help around is because he grew up in a bad home 24 years ago but i cant say that im still hurt by him punching me and telling me im nothing without him like some kind of crazy lover or im not aloud too say "yea my rooms a bit of a mess cause honestly I'm not doing well mentally sorry mom" without being outed to everyone that im just a little depressed i dont know how i feel about this i love my mom i love her so much but i cant help but think that she wants me to never say anything and only say stuff that wont cause her any trouble but i dont speak that much in the first place and i hate causing trouble god i feel so guilty and confused but also angry i hate being upset like this