who i am today, i cannot be tomorrow

to get to my actual point- i hate the feeling i get when i like something i know is cringey. this is difficult, because for a teenage girl there's hardly anything that isn't cringey. whether your interests make you immature, or basic, or a pick-me you're sure to fall into some category someone can make fun of. 

this leaves me with very few options.

i do not express my interests through t-shirts, buttons, posters, jewelry, or otherwise anything that could be seen and judged from afar. i rarely even talk about the shows, books, and songs i like. i contain conversation and expression to appeal to the group i'm around. when i'm with the theater kids i talk about the show we're working on, i make an offhand compliment about someone's fandom merch, i keep the conversations in a place where they'll like me.

this is cowardice. i know it. i know that a braver person would express their interests regardless of the crowd, without fear of rejection. i am not a braver person. i am a scared teenage girl who can't keep up with what's okay to like today.

if i was a braver person, if i was willing to flamboyantly express myself, i would still hesitate. because where i can avoid judgement from others i can seldom avoid judgement from myself. in middle school my favorite shirt was a ravenclaw t-shirt i got from hot topic. i now look back on the shirt, as someone who is no longer obsessed with harry potter, and judge the girl who wore it. 

a twelve year old

she doesn't deserve that.

but if she can't escape my judgement, i'm sure that i can't either. so i will not express anything, i will hold my interests secret and dear until i forget that i have them and move on.