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Category: Life

‧͙⁺˚*・༓☾  ☽༓・*˚⁺‧͙

I called my mom today. It’s Mother’s Day. I know I shouldn’t have. I know this song and dance will repeat, but I did. I felt bad. I feel bad that I don’t talk to her. I feel bad about the things she did to me too though. She’s still my mom though so I can’t shake the guilt of ignoring her. Luckily, it went alright. She didn’t yell at me. She didn’t even shame me for not becoming a lawyer. I can’t trust her mellow words though. She’s always nice after I stop talking to her then we inevitably begin fighting again. Still, I can’t help but feel happy when she is nice to me. I seek approval from her like any other child does. My partner shakes his head but is it really possible to not seek some sort of approval from your own mother?

I’m glad it went okay though. Last night was rough. It’s always rough before Mother’s Day. However, it wasn’t even really Mother’s Day that bothered me last night. It just seemed as if the weight of the world suddenly crushed me. I’ve been holding myself together for awhile now. I thought everything was okay but I suddenly cracked. My bottled feelings shattered, my memories flooded back, and the state of the world swirled around me. Like a tornado of malice. I know it may be stupid, but the Roe v. Wade thing is really getting to me. It’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I can deal with my trauma but when you add current world stress I collapse. It’s all too much. I just want to scream “It hurts! I give up” and sleep forever. I want to throw a tantrum but I know I mustn’t. I’m an adult now. I have to just bear it and continue. When these thoughts come, when the world seems too much to handle, I can’t help but think “How can I keep going when there’s so much suffering?” The only thing to do is focus on my little speck of existence on this world and shut everything out. I have to only focus on me and the ones I love. If I cared about everything in the world, my heart would surely explode. No human can handle that.

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